PP-F1: Who am I, Really?

[Esther 0]

It was night time, a dangerous time to be outside of the safe zone for someone as under prepared as Esther. Still, she found herself leaning against the wall outside of The Town of Beginnings, her back against the cool stone, the soft breeze picking up tendrils of lilac hair. Her eyes were skyward, watching as the stars drifted ever so slowly by. It was a wonderful, beautiful, serene scenario. If not for the mild sense of danger. 

She was doing something she loved, outdoors watching her favourite thing, the night wasn't cold, and was a pleasant temperature - so why? Why wasn't she enjoying herself? Why wasn't she happy? She thought about the events that had occurred the night before, with Mari, with Domarus. What she did, and what she said. How depraved she acted, throwing herself all over not only Domarus, but Mari too. To have Mari accept that part of Esther, to lovingly string her fingers through Esthers hair, did she deserve it? Probably not.

Then there was the matter of the other potion....

Esther closed her eyes, and gave a low sigh.

[Ashrah 0]

He took a sip of his liquor as he strode through the Town of Beginnings well after dark. It wasn't often he went out and enjoyed the evenings of Aincrad, since they didn't have anything to contribute to his growth. Without the skills for navigating darkness, everything seemed like a bad idea. He felt the chill of evening's breath on his neck and shivered slightly. The rum touched his lips and its warmth spread quickly throughout his body. Arc was glad for his habit, for once.

At times like this, he did not ponder over other players. He remembered his father, and thought of what the world he returned to would be like. What would have happened in the time he spent trapped in Aincrad. How would his parents react when they saw him? Would they have forgotten him, or lost hope? Would he be able to face Thom's grandmother, even without her memory intact? How would he even begin to explain his time in SAO to people who asked about it? They were undoubtedly going to be interested, after the initial taboo fell away.

Part of him wasn't even sure how much of this world would remain with him for the rest of his life. Another part said that this might define the rest of his life entirely. With a sigh, he emptied the last of his drink into his mouth and let it remain there for several seconds before he finally swallowed. A sigh of relief followed shortly thereafter.

In the past few weeks, he had met a handful of people. Some of them were folks who he didn't mind keeping around as in game acquaintances. One or two he might dare to call friends. There were some who he'd also not mind forgetting. "I wonder," he muttered to himself.

How is that Esther girl? I bet she's gotten herself killed. That would make sense. Not a weapon to her name. That's rich.

[Esther 0]

"Right..."

Esther abruptly stood up. The later it got, the closer the mobs got, and she wasn't about to die against the wall of the safe zone just because she was day dreaming. Mari shook her head, and gave her cheeks a small slap. "Get it together Esther! You're good! You're great. You're happy!" She attempted to Psych herself up as she turned to head back into the town of beginnings. "It was just a potion...." She mumbled to herself, brows furrowed as her attention was downcast. "Just a potion, and it was just a kiss - just a teasing kiss. It meant nothing, obviously...besides, I don't know if he wants to see me anymore right now...god I messed up good."

Esther stopped in the middle of the street, and gave her foot a small stamp, "Congratulations Esther! You done goofed again!" It was followed by a small hit to her head. She as trying to talk herself into a better mood, into one where she didn't feel so incredibly guilty from what happened, where she wouldn't be so scared, and worried about her own actions, and what she did and said.

"RIGHT!" 

The exclamation was louder than she intended, and echoed throughout the streets, but she wasn't concerned by that. She was ready, ready to face the world, ready to face Mari again. Yes. She was ready.

[Ashrah 0]

"I need to get some more drink." He announced it loudly enough that several nearby players glanced at him with raised eyebrows. The mercenary couldn't manage to care. He tipped the flask over in his hand and watched a single droplet of liquor dribble away into oblivion. He gave a pained sigh. "If only I had an extra large flask," he muttered to himself. "Then I'd never risk running out. Or, well, I'd feel like I wouldn't anyway." His voice had dropped several decibels at this point, and he only muttered the last few words.

His gaze flashed across the road to several places that might stock rum. That was when he heard the word shouted: "RIGHT!"

Arc felt compelled to look in the direction it had come from, and instantly he regretted it. Pink hair, green eyes, and a world of innocence all its own greeted him. The man groaned audibly. Not dead. Not dead in the slightest.

At least he wouldn't have to worry about that anymore. He turned his attention back toward the nearest bar, where he could duck away from this encounter... maybe. If she hadn't already seen him, that is. If she had, well, then she might follow him in. He hoped that wasn't the case as he hurried toward the door and slid inside.

Please don't see me, please don't see me.

 

[Esther 0]

It seemed as though Esther wasn't the only one who was loudly proclaiming things in the street. She jumped at the sound of the other voice, startled - she thought, more so hoped, that she was the only one around. Alas, that wasn't the case. She glanced to the side to see a darkly clad figure. Of course... everyone wore  black, didn't they? But only one of them would turn to look at her, and have a realisation of familiarity. Esther felt a wave of relief wash over her when she saw that it was just Arc. Last they saw each other, she did some...less than hospitable things, now would be a good time to apologise and see how he was going. 

Esther rose her hand up in the air to wave at him, "Oh, Hey Ar-"

Just as quickly as he had seen her, Arc had turned away, blatantly ignoring her - scurrying into the nearest pub. "Or....not..." Esther had to admit, it stung a little. She knew that he didn't look upon her too favourably, but she didn't realize he disliked her as much as to flat out ignore her. Esther was already feeling down, and it was harder to bring herself back up with that realisation that Arc seemingly couldn't stand to be in the same area as her. "hmmm." Esther pondered going in after him, asking why he ran away from her, she wanted to know - but - she wasn't exactly feeling like her usual self. 

"Ok then." Esther mumbled, turning instead to head to the inn next to the pub. He'd probably appreciate her not going in to follow him. 

Before Esther could make it to the inn, a arm threw itself out in front of her, palm hitting the wall that connected the two establishments. "Well hello again, pretty lady. Fancy seein' you out this late at night."  Esther glanced up, the voice came from Addel, the same guy who fed her that strange potion during her quest to become an Alchemist. "Y-you? look..I don't want any trouble and I'm not in the mood for anything so I-"

"Oh, but who said you had a choice in the matter?" Addel asked, picking up a strand of her hair and bringing it to his nose, "mmm, Lilac. You're such a tease you know that?"

[Ashrah 0]

He found his seat at the bar and placed his flask on the table. "Fill me up with some rum, would ya?" he asked the NPC behind the counter with a friendly smile. "And a nice glass of the stuff too, if'n you would." He placed a few Col on the table and glanced back toward the monotonous sea of faces. He probably encountered one or two of them before at some point, but none of them seemed interested enough to make conversation. They probably had friends with them, or just didn't need to hire a mercenary just now. That was how it went, though. Arc didn't keep people too close. Even the ones on his friends list were pretty much just business contacts. He hadn't made a real "friend" yet in SAO, and that suited him just fine.

Tobias and Thom had always been loners, other than their strange friendship with one another and a few other oddballs who never really fell into place where the social hierarchy was concerned. Even after high school, they played video games and tabletops more than they went out to see movies or drink. Tobias always brought booze enough to the house, so they never had to go out. He was the only one who ever made a conscious effort to be around others, and that was only when he felt exceptionally alone.

Thom always joked he would be the only one of the lot to get married. Tobias had to doubt that. I've got a rotten personality. Even you never had that problem.

"Hey, what's going on?" Arc glanced up when he heard the rustle of movement. Several other players were glancing toward the door. "Someone's doing what? Errr... maybe we should let it be. They're in town, so it's safe."

Arc stepped forward as the NPC refilled his drink and asked him if he was going to have it. "Hold it for me," he held up a hand. "What's up outside?" he asked.

"Some guy is bugging a girl in the inn next door. He just tossed another guy out for trying to get in his way." Arc turned his eyes toward the door. Did he really want to be a part of this? Odds were, he knew exactly who the girl was.

Without another word, Arc summoned his two handed sword and readied it. "Hey, uh, mister- we're in town. Is that really gonna do much?"

Arc knew it would. He barged through the door to the Inn without a look toward Esther. His hand gripped at the player's shoulder, and the man was stunned for a moment before he threw a punch toward the Mercenary's face. A notification came up that this was a safe zone, and no damage would be dealt, but the impact still transferred. Arc did not relent. He ripped the man away from Esther and threw him at the door.

Addel hit the wall next to the entrance with a loud thud, and the impact brought him down. Arc kicked the door open and dragged the unfortunate fellow behind him.

"Hey!" he cried out. "Hey!"

A notification popped up in front of the demented drug peddler.

Quote

Arc would like to duel. Total loss mode.

Do you accept?

"Hell no!" he screamed out. "I don't want to die! Are you nuts?"

"If you beat me, I can't stop you, right?" Arc insisted. "And if I win, well, you can't go around being a sleeze anymore, can you? It's really a win/win."

"Not a chance!" Typical creep. When it comes right down to it, you'll do as you please with someone weaker than you, but if someone stands up to you...

"Then get lost." His green eyes were unfeeling, his face filled with apathetic venom. "If I see you doing something like this again, I won't bother challenging you to a duel. I'll hunt you down like a dog."

"F***!" he cried out. "I'll remember this!"

"You'd better."

[Esther 0]

"C'mon, I've seen far more skin from you before - hows about a drink? This time, promise it won't hurt, much." Addel crooned, pushing himself closer toward Esther. Esther pushed one hand out, "Go away." He relented, but only slightly, that was - until he was forcibly thrown back. There was a scuffle, and an exchange of words before Addel ran off like the coward he was. 

Arc stood before her - well - his back toward her. Esther could smell the strong alcohol from where she stood, just how much had he had to drink already? He was still able to function so flawlessly when it came to battle, when it came to confrontation. Esther recalled why she admired him so, his determination and his unrelenting drive. Esther reached out toward him, but hesitated. Why did he run away from her moments before? Why did he miraculously appear right as she was being cornered? Esther may have been able to take care of herself, mayhaps in a less violent way - still - he came to her aid, but why  it didn't make sense to her.

Esther wanted to ask all these questions, her eyes burning with the desire to hound him, to corner him in her own way and seek answers - but, instead of all that. All she could utter, was a small. "Thank you, Arc. I appreciate it."

[Ashrah 0]

Arc took a deep breath, steadied himself, then sighed. "Hey, it's fine." He glanced toward her with a slight nod. "I can't stand people like that. All too willing to push themselves on people they view as weaker, but outright unable to face a real challenge head on. That, and well, there's no call for treating a lady like that." He shook his head. "No excuse whatsoever."

He turned his gaze toward the bar, where his drink awaited. "I need to get back to my rum," he muttered. "Spent good col on that, I did."

For a moment, he briefly considered leaving without another word. She was probably flustered. That was a poor plan. "Come on, then," he grunted. "Have a drink with me." He looked over at her. "But just one, and confound it, don't slather me with questions."

A hand stretched out to Esther. "It's getting hot, and hot rum tastes like death. Albeit with a little more molasses." His gaze did not meet hers through the action. He just wanted her to know that she was safe, and that her attacker was well and gone. "You can have sake if you like," he added, "they serve all kinds of drinks."

[Esther 0]

The man before her seemed to falter, taking a few steps to steady himself. He stated why he didn't like people like that, before looking straight to the bar - stating how much he wanted his rum. Esther assumed that was the end of the conversation, and turned to leave him be. It was a difficult series of events, but if he didn't want her company, she couldn't exactly continue to force it upon him.

Then, it was an offer, "Excuse me?" Esther turned back to Arc, his eyes were still lingering on the bar - but his hand was outstretched to her. His actions were met with a curious gaze, wanting answers, and wanting to know why the cold, uncaring man had suddenly decided to show an emotion that wasn't abject apathy. Esther hesitated, before gripping onto his hand.

"I suppose so." Esther wasn't one to drink to escape things, she wasn't one to drink till she were drunk - but she couldn't exactly pass up this rare offer. Besides, maybe talking with a familiar face would help her feel better. "I think I'd just have the sake." Esther agreed, not wanting to drink anything too heavy handed. With Sake, she knew her limits and would be able to pace herself a little easier. 

The two headed back toward the bar and Esther had pulled up a seat next to Arc, having ordered a drink for herself - she was now staring at the clear substance, "You know, you didn't have to invite me back here with you." she said quietly.

 

[Ashrah 0]

Arc took a swig off his glass as she spoke. With an audible gasp of refreshment, he glanced her way. "I'd never leave someone who was just assaulted alone," he said quietly. "That's like leaving a suicidal man alone with his thoughts." The parallel was disturbing, especially on Aincrad. "People get in the habit of blaming themselves for things like that. You have to help them realize that it's not their fault, or they'll keep doing it until they become willing victims."

He recalled his friend Alex. Thom's cousin. The boy's mother was that way. His father was a perpetual drunk, and the fits of alcoholic rage were so bad that Alex spent many nights with he and Thom. He never touched the liquor, though. He often admonished Tobias for being so taken with the substance. Tobias only offered understanding, but said that it was not the drink that made a man weak, but the man's inability to be stronger than the drink.

That always stung the other boy. "Responsibility is the most important thing, see," he muttered. "Whether it's taking responsibility for your own actions, or recognizing who's actually responsible in situations beyond your control." He shook his head. "If you start taking too much responsibility, you'll get overwhelmed. If you don't take enough, you become the kind of person who can't stand on their own two feet."

Why he was telling her all of this, Tobias didn't know. Maybe it was what he felt she needed at this moment. Maybe he just felt like talking because of the rum. "Bah, I'm talking too much," he grumbled.

Arc lifted the drink to his lips again, sipped gingerly, then placed it back on the countertop.

[Esther 0]

"That may be." Esther mused, "But I know you aren't exactly on friendly or amicable terms with me. I don't blame myself, to be honest. I was ready to walk away from him. I think I'm a higher level than he, so I probably could have just pushed passed him." Esther took a shallow sip of her drink. Suddenly feeling like she needed something three times as strong. It was rare for Esther to be this pensive, this quiet and this reserved. At times like this, her real age showed, it showed she wasn't some starry eyed child. 

Arc shifted his speech to one of responsibility. "I know. It's what I'm doing now. After the whole- mmm..." Esther interrupted herself, shaking her head. She wouldn't bother him with the story of what transpired between herself, Mari and Domarus. She doubted he would want to hear it, or even put up with it. Esther pushed the sake to the side, and instead ordered straight, wildberry flavoured vodka. It came in a small shot glass and Esther downed it, slamming the glass down on the bar. "Eargh." It burned her throat, stung her eyes, she was not used to alcohol like that. 

"I suppose our roles are reversed then, you're the chatty one tonight." Esther mustered a weak smile at her joke, but it faltered as she turned her eyes back down toward the bar. Why was she here? Why was she pushing her way into the life of someone who didn't want to be around her? 

[Ashrah 0]

He watched her quietly as she spoke, and for once he didn't hate everything she was saying. It made sense for someone to be bothered by the things going on around them, especially in a world like this that made hardly any sense. He let out a bit of a smile as she sounded almost human, like someone who really did suffer. "Here," he muttered as she recoiled from the vodka. Spiced rum was his favorite- the flavor was rich, deep, and savory in a way that Russian alcohol could never hope to match. Its Carribean kick was wholly different from the spike of the potato based drink, with the lavish flavor of the Islands distilled deep into its make.

When he passed it to her, he nodded toward it. "Try this," he said. "It's hard liquor, but it sneaks up on you."

He preferred his drink to most other drinks. Thom's bourbon was a harder, meaner liquid than anything else on earth. Real southerners accepted no imitations. Arc was more like a pirate at heart, as funny as that sounded. He wanted a drink to knock his socks off in a way that didn't offend his sensibilities. That's why they had such different tastes in alcohol.

He almost frowned at her joke, though. Yeah, he was talking. Did she have to reiterate the sentiment after he'd said as much? He supposed it was some sort of coping mechanism, so he bore it passively.

"It's not your fault," he said quietly.

[Esther 0]

The woman took Arcs drink and stared into it, swishing it around in the glass, she had bought it to her lips, ready to try it. Esther's eyes shot back to him as he said it wasn't her fault. "Oh...no- no I didn't mean it like that. It's just, sorta amusing - normally I'm talking enough for the both of us. It's fine. Really. I don't mind this." She scratched her cheek, "To be honest - I sorta needed this. I've had some interesting experiences to say the least and I think I need to reflect on some of my actions."  Esther forced a laugh as she took a swig from the rum that Arc was drinking. It wasn't as bitter as the Vodka, or as harsh going down the throat -  it warmed her insides as it sat in her belly. "I seem to be doing that a lot lately, when I'm not helplessly trying to gain some semblance of Esss Peh." 

Esther guessed it may have been the alcohol, or her melonchony thoughts -perhaps a mix of both, but she was managing to maintain a conversation with Arc. Not a time where she seemed to be talking at him, but a moment where they were able to talk to each other. It was kind of nice. In an odd way. Esther turned to him, she still wanted to apologise. "Hey. Listen. That time in Mari's tent - I said some things that may have been inappropriate. I know my actions were rash and my words uncouth. I shouldn't have forced you to talk to her, nor rattled on about kissing you. So, for what its worth. I'm sorry."

There. She had made amends for that at least.

[Ashrah 0]

"Just words," he said with a shrug. "Not that big of a deal."

He took back his drink gently and sipped from the other side, where her lips hadn't touched. The rum felt nice as it went down. "I was hardly paying any attention. I got myself too drunk to think straight. Mari reminds me of my friend. He died, and she was there when it happened. I don't want to think about it."

The biggest thing was, he hadn't been there. If he had, maybe he could have saved Alkor. Maybe he could have done something.

Now the very thought of Alkor made him angry. It made him think that if that man, who he saw as the strongest person he knew, could be taken down by SAO- what chance did he have? What chance did any of them? Tobias would fight until the end, make himself the strongest, and he would prove to Thom that he could do it. He would show his father that he had the capacity to be the strong, gentle, kind man that the man believed was somewhere deep within.

He took his flask as the NPC offered it, then stashed it away in his cloak. "You should think before you act," he added. "It's better than looking backward. Hindsight is always a perfect reflection, but it doesn't afford you the ability to change anything."

[Esther 0]

"Whilst that may be true, words can still be damaging, but - I guess I'm glad that they didn't affect you."

Esther watched as he took another long, hard sip. Describing why he seemed to dislike Mari. Esther had to wonder, if Mari was like Thom, or reminded Arc of Thom - wouldn't he want to be around her? Or did she just evoke feelings of pain and loss in him. "Maybe you have the opposite effect on her..." Esther said, not meaning to speak aloud. It seemed with Arc around Mari actually tried to be a more tolerable person. Esther wasn't very attentive, but even she saw the way Mari would steal glances toward Arc, only to turn away and change what she was saying. Esther reached out, placing a hand atop his. Dangerous territory. She knew that, but she had no words to console him. Esther was a very touchy person - but Arc was not. 

Arc picked up his flask and pocketed it, offering Esther some advice that she felt he should really be taking himself - but she kept that thought locked away. "If I think before acting, I wouldn't exactly be very Esther-like now would I?" she joked with a lop sided smile. There was a silence followed by a deep sigh. "In all honesty. I've been trying to do a little of that lately. Kinda wished I did more of it last night, not that I regret my actions." Esther paused, thinking back on the potions she had tried. "Rather, I feel perfectly fine. I'm more worried about her." Esther waved her hand, in an attempt to dismiss her concerns. "You don't really need to hear it though."

[Ashrah 0]

He pulled his hand away the moment she touched it. He didn't bother adding a poisonous glare to the sentiment. She would get the idea. "Nope," he agreed. "Don't want to hear about it at all." Arc was content to not deal with Mari at all. He knew that there was always the possibility she would run into him again, or that they might fight together against a boss. Part of him detested that fact, because it pushed him closer to the memory of his best friend, far beyond salvation.

"You should be more attentive to that sort of thing," he told her. "Even if it's not "like" you, you're not in a world that favors people who jump in without a plan. Reactive thinking is dangerous here, even if its sometimes necessary. Don't get yourself killed over something silly." He wanted to yell at her to pick a weapon, but he knew that wouldn't do anything. Even if she did, now, it might take too long for her to learn how to use it, or become competent enough with it to catch up to the Frontliners.

Not that it was in the cards for her to do that, anyway. She wanted to help people, but without fighting.

"You're there for her," he iterated quietly. "That's more than enough. If she chases his shadow, she'll never find a way to be strong on her own. Even if she was to get out of this world alive, if she kept trying to get closer to his memory, it might hurt her more in the long run. His story was a sad one with a sadder ending. She doesn't need that."

[Esther 0]

Arc pulled away, Esther guessed he would do that, she didn't complain, she didn't comment. She just chose to leave it as is. Arc agreed about not wanting to hear about the ordeal. A part of her did want to explain what happened - despite her stating she was fine, one thing did plague her mind - but now wasn't the time to air it, and Arc, probably wasn't the person to air it to.

"I think....you're the one that makes it sadder..." Esther whispered. Turning away from Arc, taking another sip of the Sake she had so readily pushed away before. She knew the words would probably have an adverse effect on him, she wanted to tell him she felt he was being hypocritical, she wanted to tell him that chasing a shadow is just as bad as running away from one. "I don't think she's chasing his shadow. She's recovering, much like you. She's moving forward. She's socialising....sort of...she's preparing herself to return to the front lines...." Esther trailed off. "I think she's plenty strong - she's just been beaten down a little too hard and too often. She doesn't need to chase a memory, she just needs people to talk to. You don't have to be that person. I get you want to avoid her.  I would understand if you want to avoid me too, just - whatever it is you're doing. Don't get caught up in it and loose yourself yeh?"

She took another long drink, finishing her glass, then poured herself another. "You mightn't think much of me, but I do of you. You're still my friend."
 

[Ashrah 0]

He frowned a bit at that. "I don't have friends," he replied flatly. "My only friend is dead. Dead. This game took him, and he's not coming back." He spared a look in her direction. "I don't need anyone to fill that void. I don't need anything." He opened his inventory and dismissed the blade from his back. "I'm strong on my own, for myself." He looked over to the bartender, who seemed visibly disinterested in the conversation. The same could be said of just about every other player in the room. "I'm strong for all these people, so that they can get back to their lives."

Arc looked back to Esther. "I don't have time to be friends. Just enough time for drinks."

One more sip later, he stood up. Arc tossed coins on the table and paid their tab. "Maybe she does get sadder because of my actions," he explained. "But that's not my problem. She should know better than to rely on people outside of herself. That's a lesson that she's probably struggled with up to now, guessing by the way she's shut herself off."

Tobias had learned early on that other people's opinions didn't matter. That wasn't true for everyone, maybe, but it was for him. He smiled softly.

"Don't bother thinking so much of me," he told her. "I'm just a mercenary. I fight for pay. I'm nobody's friend."

[Esther 0]

Esther sighed, leaning forward. She rested her head on her hand, his words stung a little, but again, Esther expected something like that from his mouth. "You keep saying that." She muttered. "You had time to help me, twice. I ain't paying you this time. I don't want to fill his shoes." Esther wanted to say that Thom sounded like an ass, he probably was - considering the company he kept, but Esther kept that tidbit to herself. "I think you're severely underestimating those around you, and overestimating your own abilities. It's not strong to have only yourself. I think it's sad, lonely, and a little weak." Some of Esthers thoughts were held back, sadly - with her natural honesty and the influx of alcohol, not all of them were - especially the ones better left unsaid.

"You can throw yourself around, fill yourself up on drink - fight on the frontlines, and free everyone from the game, single-handed,  but if you don't reach out to just one person. I think that's just a loss."

She glanced up at him, just in time to see him smile softly at her, she felt a blush form on her cheeks - it was rare to see such a smile from him. It evoked such feelings of warmth - but at the same time, it seemed so desolate and sad, coupled with his words. "My names Esther, not nobody." She mused, turning back to the bar to finish her drink.

Stubborn, Stuborn, Esther.

[Ashrah 0]

Arc shrugged. "Watch me," was his response. "You think that's a loss, then that's your opinion. But you watch me. I'm gonna take it all."

He gave her a quick affirmative gesture before he turned away. There was nothing that this woman could say to change his mind. Not that he was being stubborn, or that his lonely walk through life was a sullen one. He knew that the path to the top was riddled with sacrifices and sadness, and that the apex was lonely. In spite of all that, he was never deterred. The few people that made it to where he wanted to get- those were the people who wanted to be free, and even wanted freedom for others.

Tobias was one of them, even if he hadn't made it yet.

Now, where did he need to get to? There was a quest, or an item, or an information dealer he needed to find. Anywhere but here, having this conversation. Esther seemed like the sort of person who wouldn't relent, and this was a conversation he was less than interested in having. Whenever Mari or Thom came up, alcohol didn't taste quite as good.

He'd rather be alone with his thoughts than drowning in sorrows.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGL2OjmZLhM