Dark Thoughts.

[Beatbox 0]

Okay, this is an explanation to all that I have never told this to. I have been gone for a while, and sure yes... I was short a computer to do so as me previous one had hard drive issues and it died on me. But, there was another reason...

The main reason why I haven't been posting so much... or why I seem so upset OOC is mostly because of what life has been pushing my way in the past four years. To those that do not know, four years ago the love of my life committed suicide for an unknown reason that will be never told to me. The day before she had broken up with me and when I ask for a reason why she wouldn't say, however I just accepted it as it we're and I was heartbroken sure but not as much as the next day. The reason is still rather blurry to me, hell most of the time I blame myself for the loss of my loved one because I didn't push myself enough to make sure that she remained happy. 

I have had so many health issues going on in the past few years as well, after the suicide I found myself not taking care of myself more, such as eating more... drinking more... lack of exercise, even personal hygiene as a result. Which lead to so many health issues with me that I started to even feel worse and worse and worse. Which then leads to people bullying you more, people seeing you as a outcast, etc. The worst of it was that many people in high school who I thought were friends betrayed me, called me out on being a "bad" person calling me names, spreading it around to everyone in the high school so they would start as well, stole things from me (even relationships), and was even tormented to just commit suicide, and you know what? I tried.

I couldn't pull myself to do it though, it was too hard for me to complete. I couldn't do it, and worst of all... no one helped me cheer up, and no one even knew I tried. The attempt was ignore nor was I cared for in the end.

On recent events, I had found out that... yet again, people we're taking advantage of me numerous times as time went on in the card store that I go to to play card games. And even worse and worse, my good friend Jason whom I have known for YEARS (even back as a child) had died due to drug overdose on committing suicide. It just adds up you know? One guy can only take so much sadness in their individual lives.

This is extremely hard to put out there for everyone to know, and sure I know that some of you think that I am saying this to get pity or have people feel bad about me, but this isn't the point of all of it. Its to let it all out, its not a childish thing to cry. I needed to let this all out, talk to someone, talk to anyone and let them know the pain that I had felt.

This site has helped me through a dark time in my life, I returned and I got to meet so many great people behind the staff like @Calrex, @Baldur, @Ariel - The Crowned Lion, @Shark, and the man himself @Erroneous.

Heck even the people that I have met through this site that I got to speak with in real life conversations with helped out a lot, to let and make me know that I am never alone in this. @Itzal taking the cake on helping me and letting me know this.

Everyone in the celestial ascendants, like @Hikoru @Birdie @Morgenstern have helped out so much and I cant thank everyone here for it.

Even some others like @Lessa and @Hakai to let me know that if I needed someone to talk to, I knew where to go.

And I can't thank everyone here enough for helping me get through these harsh months of life just stomping my soul into the ground. Everyone has made everything much more enjoyable. I love it here, and I cant wait to RP with at least everyone here. And I love everyone here and everyone that was there to help me, not just grow as a player... not just as person... not just as a staff member, but a human being. 

With that being said, it felt really good to get this off of my chest. 

I love you all, and I will return to my PST duties and my RP's soon.

~Beatbox

(By the way, do not be alarmed that I may sound suicidal, I do go to a therapist.)

[Baldur 0]

*brohugs* that's heart breaking to hear my friend. Whilei haven't had anyone in my life go out that way, i have had to deal with the unexpected death of a woman i loved. If you need someone to talk to I'm definitely here. We're glad to have you and the site is better for your involvement.

[Hakai 0]

I would certainly hope that people dont think your trying to get pity. *sharpens katana absentmindedly*

In all seriousness, that's terrible to hear. I'm glad that you've found a hobby and new friends here, and as Baldur said, if you ever need to talk to someone i'm around.

[Sey 0]

Is it in my place to say? Absolutely not. Will I say it anyways? Most certainly.

They say that the things that don't kill you make you stronger. While that's debatable on some levels, if that saying is true, then you no doubt are one of the strongest people I have ever seen. You are genuinely kind to others despite these things, and deserve much more than what you have right now. And to have the strength to express it to the community as well, that just shows your strength even more.

Despite not being here for so long, I can understand why you'd like to be around here, and I'm glad that it has given you new connections and a sense of happiness. I've said it before, but if you really put your all into something, I'm sure you can kick any troubles like the conqueror you show yourself to be. I'm rooting for ya buddy! :3 And while I'm just that derpy newbie you met a couple weeks ago, if there is anything I can do for ya, let me know!

And as usual, thank you for your time! ^.^

[Birdie 0]

Words can't describe how emotionally jarring those experiences must have been. Life cruelly reminds us of just how fragile we are as people, but you've been strong, and I know you can get through this. We all do.

Please take as much time as you need, and don't for a second think you're letting anyone down. 

[Ashrah 0]

I grew up with a kid named Johnathon. His uncle was my sister's godfather, and we went to school together for 12 years. He was a good kid, for the most part- a little bit of a jerk when we were younger, but I never really got along with most folks anyway. John started getting chill around ninth grade, after he lost a ton of weight and got into music.

He had a talent, and his dream was to start his own band. So he did. He put out little snippets here and there, and even sent me some while I was going through a rough time after leaving college, and my grandfather's death. What I didn't know was that John was an addict.

A few months ago, I saw on Facebook that John had ODed. I wasn't sure what to make of it. All of our mutual friends were devastated. His family was torn to their knees by the loss. I didn't have any words for it. This guy I'd known forever, dead in the blink of an eye. It makes you look at life differently, though not necessarily through a volatile lens. I don't have the same levels of attachment most people do, and so I come off as mechanical a lot of the time when it comes to emotions and dealing with them. Maybe it seems cold, or callous, or inhuman, but for me the experience is less about what I feel and more about what I observe.

My observations about the life and death of my friend are as follows: John led a relatively good life, and he had happy times; but everyone inevitably has sad times as well. I probably didn't get to see many of his because he put on a brave face. I didn't even know the guy was on drugs. But he made other people's lives better. In doing that, I think John found some measure of solace in life. The drugs took him from this world early- hell, we were both only 28. That's a somber thought, but it can happen any time, to anyone.

To me, that uncertainty is what gives life meaning. John isn't here anymore, but in many ways, the rest of us are. We get called out of this life at a precise time for a precise reason. Whether you believe in a god or gods, or you think that we're cosmic dust waiting to scatter back to nothingness, you have a time that you'll never really know until it comes. Instead of looking for it or dreading it, I live. Maybe that's simple, and maybe I'm generalizing, but it makes sense to me.

We've all been afflicted with some level of depression, some of us more than others. How we deal with it is relative to who we are. It doesn't make you any less of a person.

Whatever it takes to help you find peace, chase after it.

Whatever brings you happiness, seize it.

Whatever fills your life with meaning, surround yourself with it.

This existence is too fragile and short not to be enjoyed.

@Beatbox