[PP-F4] Pillars of Light

[Oikawa 1]

Though there was zero input on his suggestion to recruit Galilea, he took it as a good sign. He reasoned if anyone would have had an issue with they would have spoken up in regards to her. The conversation shifted between each of them once more. Shield acknowledge he wasn't as well versed in their capabilities but was happy where this landed them in the long run. As he explained the costs of guild creation and offered Mari the chance to 'buy-in' as well, Oikawa polished off the tea in his hands before reaching for another custard-filled bun and indulging in it.

Before long Mari had not only gifted the guild forty thousand col, but had produced a guild image for the meeting. Oikawa was surprised. Not because she could do art and the icon looked amazing, but that everyone had already begin to contribute in more ways than just forking over materials and col. He had contributed next to nothing discussion wise nor anything of relevance guild wise. But now wasn't the time to site and mope on that sentiment. Instead, he made a mental note to make sure he worked harder when it came to guild action, recruitment, and maintaining their image.

His thoughts were snapped away from him as Baldur managed to bring the meeting to a close of sorts. Offering a toast of sorts, Oikawa refilled his own cup with yet another sip and offered his words. "I too am in favor of the icon. Amazing work Mari," he explained as he tilted his cup in her direction. "And stop selling yourself short. You're a Pillar of Light now," he said with a grin. Shifting his focus to the group as a whole, he raised his glass alongside Baldur.

"To Jacob's Ladder!"

Edited May 13, 2020 by Oikawa

[Shield 0]

"That's more than enough, Mari," Shield said, gratefully accepting the transaction and giving an incline of his head. With what they had amassed, they were in excellent shape. Buying and securing the extra property and constructing the grounds could finally move forward. Shield was relieved. That was one major hurdle he had hoped to clear before the end of the day.

And with that, on the things that mattered most, they were all more or less in accord. Though there were still plenty of details to iron out, the most immediate things seemed to be sorted. Shield sat back in his seat. He nodded his approval to the image that Mari had produced. Marketing and branding had never exactly been his strong suit, but it was a simple enough design and clean in its execution, and that is exactly what a good logo should be. The fact that he had gotten as far as he had with his own shop had everything to do with the quality of his work rather than the glitz and glitter of the shop itself.

As Baldur raised his cup and Oikawa followed suit, Shield lifted his own as well, glancing around at the others gathered. "If a handful of the most prominent front-liners can be considered a humble beginning," he said, giving Baldur a wry smirk. "But agreed. Here's to helping players ascend the ladder of this world together, and to dreamers finally awakening and greeting one another in the next." His eyes shifted to Mari, who was the only one yet to toast with them. Not that he had any doubts she would. Really, he was just eager to clink and drink and adjourn what had been a productive and uplifting gathering of minds.

Edited May 13, 2020 by Shield

[Mari 1]

"Y-you all like it!?" Mari stammered. She wasn't expecting such a resounding agreeance to the simplistic design. She just thought; well - Tori gates had great symbolism and it would match with the aesthetic of the guild - since it was going to be attached to Baldurs dojo. Her cheeks flushed a soft hue of red as she bit her lower lip. Eyes shifting from Oikawa, to Shield - then to Baldur. He laughed softly and the sound alleviated the twisted feeling in her chest. They do like it. Mari exhaled and offered the group a smile as she picked up her own cup. 

Oikawa cheered her on, telling her she should stop selling herself short - Mari shrugged. "I'm - trying. But some old habbits are hard to break." She turned to the rest of the group. "But - I need to get it in my head that the people here...they believe in me just as much as I believe in them. Err....in each of you." Mari added. Trying to articulate how she felt. With a quick shake of her head she rose her glass higher. 

"To the Pillars of Light - and to Jacobs Ladder."

Now the guild matters were over, one thing remained...

Mari shifted her gaze to Baldur - it lingered, before she moved it away. Mari wouldn't remind him. If he left she'd understand - this meeting, this guild - it was more important than anything else right now.

[Baldur 0]

Baldur smiled and clinked glasses with everyone as the toasted to the guild and to the future. The meeting was wrapping up, and while everyone was in high spirits of the guild, Baldur felt the sinking nervousness in his stomach at knowing that Mari wanted to talk privately with him next. The last time they had spoken, she had expressed her attraction for Baldur, and it seemed that was easily picked up on by everyone here as well. He wasn't sure what more she was going to say, see as she literally fled from him the last time. His goal here was paramount though, he wouldn't let something like this interfere with the good they were so close to achieving. They would all need to work together, all of the pillars, if they were going to make this guild and the enterprise of the frontline in general, a success.

After they had laughed, and toasted, and small talked for a few more minutes, Baldur stood up as a final, subtle indication that it was time to wrap up and begin heading their separate ways. Baldur finished off his tea, and bowed his thanks and his farewells to everyone until the heavy silence fell about the small cabin like the weight of the snow which blanketed it.

Baldur set the cup back down on the kotatsu just to have something to do with his hands as the nervous energy built up within him.

"So you uh... want to discuss something...?"

[Shield 0]

Shield drained his tea cup and set it down. He was more or less silent for the remainder of the time he spent with the other pillars. He had done enough talking, and now that the meeting had reached its conclusion, it was time for him to relax and not worry about having to speak or focus on the matters around him. After years of slow progress, it finally felt like he was going in the right direction. It felt like something hidden seventy five floors up was no longer an endless toil to achieve. He sighed and let his eyes go out of focus for a while, merely enjoying the experience of being among friends.

When Baldur stood, it jolted him out of his dreamy state. It took a few seconds for his mind to find its way back into his head and to grasp what he had missed, but Baldur's standing without leaving told him more than enough. He rose to his feet and looked to Oikawa. It felt like the moment where he and Mari had watched him fall asleep while fishing. He appeared to be even more zoned out than Shield had been a moment ago. Rolling his eyes, Shield grabbed Oikawa by the collar and drug him to his feet.

Only fair after man-handlign Baldur's clavicles earlier.

"Mari, thank you for hosting," he said, giving her a quick bow of the head and turning to the Baldur. "Take care. Hopefully it won't be too long before guild business brings us all back together now. Come on, Oikawa." With that, Shield practically drug the feint out the door and into the cold of the fourth floor.

[Shield has exited the thread]

[Mari 1]

It was just the two of them now, alone. Mari wanted this, yet now that she had it all she wanted to do was run out into the cold snow after Shield and Oikawa. Her eyes traveled over Baldur's form, his hair was still slightly disheveled from his run-in with Oikawa. His eyes flitted left and right - and despite him standing tall it looked like her request was weighing heavily on him. Mari frowned. She ... was being selfish. To her, it seemed that he didn't want to be there? and who would?

Mari lowered herself into a bow, tendrils of ginger hair fell over her shoulders. "Thank you for taking the time to see me." She said as she righted herself. Where was she to begin? She nervously picked at her fingernails as she bit her lip. Freckled face filled with an expression of nervousness - eyes furrowed with worry. "Back then at the river..." She began.

"I kinda put all that on you- then ran. It was...childish and unfair to you and for that I wanna apologize but-" Mari paused and drew a deep breath. It felt like her entire body was screaming at her, telling her not to do this - to run. Her chest hurt. It was hard to breathe - knots upon knots twisted over and over in her stomach. "But...I don't  regret it." Mari finally managed as her eyes reached his. They searched the deep sea of his gaze. Mari could tell he was nervous - how could anyone not be? Even so - she found a strange peace within that uneasy gaze. Did that make her selfish? To find a peace and calm when the other was so troubled?

Mari cleared her throat. "What I said back then - I still stand by it. I find you..." She struggled to continue - even though she had said the words earlier, even though it seemed everyone knew. "I find you attractive - and - when I'm around you I manage to hate myself a little less. But...." Mari finally managed to pull her eyes away from his. They shifted to the window behind him, focusing on the gently falling snow.

"I don't know how I feel exactly. We've met each other only a handful of times. Had a proper conversation, just once. I thought it ...stupid to feel how I do - I felt that maybe I was wrong, but -heh- Shield helped me realize that I shouldn't try to rationalize things. That the lack of meetings, or talks - they shouldn't marginalize how I feel. Fact of the matter is - I can't exactly say I  like you. Because truthfully." Mari paused and shut her eyes. Her arms wrapped around her torso, she felt cold, was she shaking? She was probably shaking. "Truthfully, I don't know how I feel. But what I do know is that I'd want to have the chance to know you better."  She could say that her heart beat faster around him, that it felt like the breath was knocked out of her - but Mari felt that inappropriate - the point of this talk...  It was meant to take the burden off of him. Not to put more onto him. Mari didn't want to do that. She had already done enough.

This was going badly, wasn't it? Well, she was already this deep - and she had to give him the floor soon.

"I also..." Mari kept her eyes closed- almost afraid to see what emotion would be reflected on his face. "I wanna reiterate that - I know this guild is more important than anything. It means so much to you, to Shield, to me - to everyone. So regardless of what you do or say - I won't let anything I feel get in the way of that." She offered him a weak smile. Mari was used to pushing things down, to putting aside her own feelings for everything and everyone else lately, but doing so for the guild? That was something she wouldn't even have to be told to do. It meant a lot to her, to have those people want to believe in her - Mari wouldn't let anything get in the way of Jacobs Ladder. "Sorry. I've been talking a while now huh?" She opened her eyes but kept her gaze to the floor.

"That's...all I wanted to say. Really. Sorry if I rambled, but I kinda hope it cleared things up?"

@Baldur

[Baldur 0]

"You shouldn't make a promise you can't keep."

They were the first words out of Baldur's mouth, though it seemed much of the weight had been released form his shoulders. His words were firm, but still carried that instructive warmth from the last time Baldur had tried to help Mari sort out her thoughts and feelings.

"If everyone has noticed, we can't really say it hasn't been influencing you." At this point, he offered her a small smile as a lifeline. He was probably coming at this from the wrong angle, but they would need to work together in the future for the sake of the guild, so he was perhaps harder on her than he would have been otherwise. Or at least, gone about this a different way.

"I'm flattered, I really am. And I look forward to getting to know the new, real Mari, but there's no way we could move forward if you hadn't said something. The only way to address our feelings is to let them out into the open and confront them."

In a way, Baldur was relieved that everything was out in the open now and could be addressed. The tension and build up was blowing things much further our of proportion than they need be.

"You're exactly right. We don't know each other. In fact, I think we know next to nothing about each other. That's not quite fair though, we did share a heart to heart, so you might begin to have some understanding into my character, but I'm far more than puns and philosophy." Baldur thought he'd try a joke, "Okay, maybe not much more."

He walked over the window, then half sat, and half leaned against the window sill. 

"I have someone. She moved to Japan for me. She's trapped in here too, and if there's any chance of her getting out alive, I'm going to take it. I'm the only one she has. The only hope she has, of getting out of here. So I'm sorry, I can't return your feelings that way."

Baldur finally looked away, for the first time since the conversation started.

"No one knows, because I don't talk about my personal life. Well, Oikawa, Crow, and Ariel know, because they've met her."

The gaijin's mind's eye flashed to Lessa and Opal, but he pushed that down as well. He wouldn't do that to her. To any of them. Nor to their memories. He took a deep breath, stifling the emotions for now. This wasn't the time or the place for old memories.

"I look forward to getting to know you better, and vice versa. I'm very much invested in your path; you'll find no more staunch an ally or cheerleader than I. Plus, I listen to the music you gave me often. I'm afraid though... I can't be the one to give you what you're looking for."

He stood back up, a warm smile on his face.

"For what it's worth. I'm glad you said something."

[Mari 1]

"You shouldn't make a promise you can't keep."

Mari didn't show it, but she felt herself crumble at those words. Her chest lurched. It felt like a shard of ice had been plunged into her chest; because, somewhere deep within her core she knew. She knew he was  right. Mari had done her best to not show things - but a mere slip of the tongue had managed to enlighten Shield about how she felt. Mari didn't know how Oikawa knew, maybe she had been too carefree in her thoughts and actions. Maybe she had been too open. Too easy to read, and that may become a detriment.

"If everyone has noticed, we can't really say it hasn't been influencing you."

Mari managed to offer Baldur a weak smile in return. An asymmetrical curve that barely hid the trembling of her lips. The shiver of sadness. Still - she tried. "Hey now..." Mari said quietly, soft words that would otherwise be unheard if one wasn't straining themselves. "I'm not the one who tried to feel you up." She joked. But I was the reason that happened, wasn't I?

"Maybe you're right." Mari said as she shut her eyes and exhaled, taking a step back from him. "I...didn't think it that obvious - but clearly. It's affecting things. So for that.  I apologize." She lowered herself into a small bow, ginger hair spilling over her shoulders as she righted herself again. She didn't know him. Not really. So why, why was this hurting so much? He told her they knew next to nothing about each other, and that drove another shard into her chest. Of course he hadn't been watching her like she had him. Who would? Most were barely able to stand being around her for long periods of time. It was foolish to think he had even noticed her during their other times together. The fights against the Gatekeeper of Fire, the Forgotten King. Despite Mari feeling useless in those fights, she felt...she felt...something. She enjoyed being around him, genuine, carefree enjoyment. She liked seeing the way his eyes lit up when Oscar bought out the taco wagon - the way they narrowed in an icy determination as he fought - the stark contrasts between him in and out of battle. The way he smiled, and how that smile would reach his eyes. The subtle sway of his hair. Things Mari noticed about him. Small, subtle things - was she wrong to see him like that?

Mari watched as he took a few long strides to the window. Haori fluttering around his form. Even now. Amidst this rejection - Mari couldn't help but feel like it were a sight she needed to burn into her memory. It's wrong to feel that way.

"I have someone. She moved to Japan for me. She's trapped in here too, and if there's any chance of her getting out alive, I'm going to take it. I'm the only one she has. The only hope she has, of getting out of here. So I'm sorry, I can't return your feelings that way."

So there was someone else. Mari bit her tongue, hating herself a little more at hearing those words. She wished she had never said anything to him. The only reason she had, was because Shield said Baldur didn't have anyone.  If Mari knew...she'd not have put Baldur into such a position, but - hindsight was 20/20. They really didn't know anything about each other, did they? Or...Mari supposed he knew a lot more about her, than she did of him. Crow knew too? So why didn't he say anything either? Nor Oikawa? Were...were these people just setting her up for this?

Mari rose shaky hands to wrap around her torso, clinging tightly to herself. Despite the warm ambience of the house she felt deathly cold. She wanted to crumple up and hide away from everything but she couldn't. "I see." Was all Mari managed to say, she was afraid that if she said anymore her voice would betray her. The trembling octave, the stuttered breathing. She didn't want him to see any of that. Because they didn't know each other. So this feeling? This ebbing flow of suffocating pain? It was unjustified. It was wrong.

Mari caught Baldur's gaze as it shifted back to her. It took every ounce of strength and willpowr for her to right herself up, removing her hands from herself - she met that warm gaze. Even now, they burned with a hidden fire that felt like just by being near it. You'd be safe. Warm. "It's fine." Mari told him, and in a way - in a small, way. She knew it would be. This pain would pass. They'd be friends. Right?

So then, why did Alkor just disappear? What's to stop Baldur doing the same? Wouldn't it be better for Mari to be the one to leave?

Mari shoved those thoughts away. This wasn't the same. It couldn't be. Wouldn't be.

"I'm...glad you find comfort in that music." Mari said. He stood, as though he were preparing for leaving. Mari wouldn't stop him. She knew he'd probably want to remove himself from such a...awkward situation, she knew she wanted to leave too.  "Thanks for hearing me out." Mari said to him. "And ...for what its worth, we'll all do everything we can. To ensure you, her, everyone else will make it out here alive."

She returned his smile with a trembling one of her own, it didn't hold the all encompassing warmth that his did, but it was the best she could muster.

@Baldur

Edited May 19, 2020 by Mari

[Baldur 0]

It was like watching a stained glass window shatter before his eyes. Mari had gone into this conversation prepared for the worst, and her pieces were falling apart now. He hated this part. It seemed cavalier to say it hurt him as much as her, but he had an empathic heart, and seeing others in pain wounded him. He almost wished he could return her feelings just to spare her the pain, but he had tread that path before and it was only worse for them both in the long run. There needed to be a finality in their conversation so that she could move on with her feelings, though he was a little surprised that this rejection felt more like a breakup.

 "Thanks for hearing me out." Mari said to him. "And ...for what its worth, we'll all do everything we can. To ensure you, her, everyone else will make it out here alive."

"Now that's a promise I'm going to hold you to." He tried to give her another playful smile. They had done the hard part, but now they needed to find a way to move forward.

His words seem to be falling flat, when they tried to reach her over the blanket of silence that weighted everything down. He let out a resigned sigh. This wasn't an avenue he wanted to go down, but there was more foundation to lay here.

"I don't like to psychoanalyze, but you've been through a lot of trauma Mari-san. You've been abused emotionally, abandoned, scorned, chased out. You're looking for people to attach to. To feel apart of again. To feel welcome again." The edge of his lip curled up, struggling to find some median between cheerful and sad.

"That's not going to change. We're still going to get together for tea, and fishing, and questing, and more importantly, we're going to risk our lives together. These bonds will grow stronger over time, and we'll be closer in the future then we are now." Life and death does that. Unbidden, the image of Hestia dying in front of Baldur flashed into his eyes. Azide, falling from Rohk's talons to die in a whirlwind. People stepping off the edge of the floor, too numerous to count. Visit after visit to the Monument of Life, looking for new names, and pouring out sake for the ones he had found. So many people. So many names. But he swallowed the emotions and pushed forward.

"We're in this together, the four of us. Coparenting a guild, and sometimes probably the frontlines... lord knows we need it." Baldur said the last bit almost to himself.

"Running away is the easy way out." A long, blond braid flashed before his eyes. The specter of a long lost friend. "But rarely is the easy way the right way. Or the way we must go. So here's what I need from you."

Baldur sucked in a breath, rising to his full height and trying to sound as official as he could, addressing her as a guild leader and as a friend, and perhaps a bit as a mentor who had helped her take her first steps to get to where she was today.

"I need you to keep both your promises. Not just for me, because there's thousands of people out there like me, but who don't have the ability to fight. And I am going to keep both of those promises too. And because we're going to keep these promises together, we're going to become the best damned heroes and guild leaders this game has ever seen, hai?"

He gave her a broad, brave, honest smile.

"And we're going to get the hell out of here, and the four of us will have tea like this in the real world."

[Mari 1]

Mari didn't make promises she couldn't keep. She specifically said everyone else - Always had. Because she never truly believed she'd make it out of this place alive. She knew her past would catch up to her one way or another. Mari wasn't suicidal, not by any means - but she simply had little sense of self preservation. She'd throw herself in harms way - in an instant if it meant another could live. But Mari wouldn't tell Baldur that, this was hard enough as it was. Mari would do her very best to make sure as many people made it out of here alive as possible. Even if it meant those very people ended up hating her. She could live with that.

Baldur offered her a jovial smile, somehow - this one didn't quite reach his eyes. He straightened then sighed. Mari knew there was more to come. She braced herself for the next words.

 "-You're looking for people to attach to. To feel apart of again. To feel welcome again." 

Right. Right. To Mari's credit, she didn't let her gaze falter from his. Mari stood, still as a glass lake on a windless night. She was right. It was wrong of her to be so open lately, to let all those walls come crashing down. All she was doing, was repeating mistakes of the past. Didn't Alkor say something similar? 

"Don't love me, don't fall for me because I'm offering you a shoulder to cry on-"

Don't fall for someone just because they offer a modicum of warmth in this otherwise desolate world. That was the message she was getting. Was that what had happened? Did Mari begin to have some sort of feelings for Baldur just because he was the first person to offer her a proper ear to listen to? No. If that were the case, that would have been Macradon - and Mari certainly didn't have any such inclination toward him. Even so - Mari was just a leech. Latching onto anything that made her feel less like a monster and more like a human. To things that didn't make her feel alone. 

What was she supposed to do in this moment? What should she say?

Despite feeling waves of pain tugging her down - Mari offered Baldur an empty grin. "Right." She said. "You still owe me that dungeon you promised me. Don't think any of this gets you out of that." 

Mari' turned from him, her steps leading her to the door. There was no looking back now, everything was in the open. Her feelings, her vulnerability - and his. His past, his pain. "Baldur - you may not feel comfortable doing so..." Mari said quietly. "But... if you ever need someone to listen to, I'm here." Mari turned, giving him a faint smile.
 

"As you said. We're in this together." Her fingers gently grazed the cold metal of the door handle. "Don't worry. I won't run. I told you - this won't get in the way of the guild. I'll work hard to ensure that this game, this place...is beaten."  Mari turned her sullen gaze to Baldur - her eyes glassy, bloodshot. As though she had been crying, but her face showed no sign of tears. No cracked trails of water broke her freckled face. "I may not believe in heroes - but I believe in all of us, and in you, and who knows - maybe one day we really can heave tea in the real world."

Mari pushed down on the handle and the door flung open with a blast of chilly winter air - sucking out the warmth from the single roomed cottage - showering Mari in soft pilows of snowflakes. "Again, thank you for coming. For listening. I appreciate it, but...I think you'd understand if I ask that I need some time to process things." 

@Baldur

[Mari 1]

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