[PP-F24] Face my Fears

[Alkor 0]

He sat at the edge of the bay, watching the sunset.

Where he grew up, the coastline faced East. It was a nice change of pace to see the pastels painted across the water as daylight ebbed away. Alkor was reminded of how many different places in the world he had never been. Places in both worlds, he supposed. His eyes were amber at birth, a strange shade of brown that looked almost like gold when the light hit them just right. There was no small amount of irony in how that reflected his love of scenes like this, a daily phenomenon and yet no less gorgeous with each one that passed. He sighed as the sound of distant waves caressing the shore played a rhythm that soothed his spirit by reaching out toward his childhood.

"If you could see me now, would you be proud?"

Every time he asked that question, his heart ached. It was a pain even Aincrad could not place limitations on. When he logged into the game for the first time, Alkor intended to place aside his responsibilities and play the part of the Hero, a character who others looked to for inspiration and who jumped fearlessly into the fray to protect others from harm. It came crashing down on the Ninth floor when he recognized his mortality moments before a boss should have killed him outright. He had faced himself and realized he could no longer pretend to be someone he was not; and yet, as time went on, he began to slowly mature and realize a truth that eluded him before.

Who you are and who you become is a decision that you make.

No one could decide for him, and he would not evolve solely because of his experiences. Those things could be factors in the decision, but ultimately, Alkor was the architect of that destiny. In a cavern filled with Hellhounds, he had an epiphany. Now, in a place that reminded him of home, in the comfort of his solitude, Alkor sat contemplative of the path forward. "You'd laugh at me if I said this to you directly," he chuckled quietly, remembering how his grandmother would scold him for his antics or when he would say things that sounded like nonsense. At the same time, she supported him and often told him that if he wanted something, he need only put his mind to it in order to achieve it. "But, I think I want to be a hero."

He felt his cheeks flush when he said the words, as if he didn't believe them himself. "No, no, hear me out on this. What I mean is, I want to be someone people can respect. I want to be someone that people can rely on. I want to be the one who rushes headlong into danger and helps people in need. You used to tell me stories about kind people, the people you thought that the world needed more of. I want to be one of those people, Grandmom."

He stared now at the water, darkening as the sun dipped below the horizon. "And every day, I think I'm getting a little better at it. I think, honestly, if you saw me now,  you would be proud. You'd be proud of me for facing my mistakes alone and moving forward in spite of my fear. You'd be proud of the decisions I've made and the way I've learned to talk to people, even though I'm petrified."

Alkor plucked a flower from the grassy steppe where he sat, looking it over pensively. "And one day, maybe someday soon, I'll be able to tell you all of this directly." She loved flowers. The garden was where she spent all of her free time, and when she could no longer tend it herself, she taught him how. The flowers here had no specific quality that made them relevant to the game, and yet, he knew them by scent, by color, by their given name. Every bit of that was her, and she lived in his heart. She lived in how he faced every challenge, and in how he overcame them.

"I miss you," he whispered quietly, "but I think, finally, I'm doing alright on my own."

 

 

 

Alkor level 49

1000/1000 HP 108/108 Energy

14 Damage / 4 ACC / 3 EVA / 12 MIT / 24 Blight

Blightsteel (2 DMG/1 Blight/Cursed) / Cowl of the Wandering Warrior (3 EVA) / Eye of Osiris (3 ACC)

Rank 5 Curved Sword / Rank 3 Light Armor / Athletics / Precision / Ferocity/ Finesse rank 3 / Fighter familiar rank 3 / Survival / Extended Mod limit

 

Edited February 25, 2021 by Alkor

[Koga 0]

"Fancy seeing you here," a voice came from behind Alkor. Koga quietly walked up beside him and looked out over the endless sea, its oddly shaped islands appearing as if they were floating, the glare off the water obscuring the thin column of earth they stood upon.

Koga had only met Alkor once before. They'd killed a few bosses together. Odd how risking your lives together made fast friends, even if they hardly knew each other. "What brings you out here?" the blackclad swordsman asked, staring out across the water. It was something you'd never see in the real world. Everything. The water, with unnaturally bright color, the impossible architecture of the landscape, the ceiling of the floor above the them, and the artificial sky that shown as a bright band of colors between the two floors. But it all felt so real. And in a way it was. One way or another, this place, Aincrad, would live on in the players' memories, and no matter what, there was a shared bond between every player as well. Those that made it all would all be survivors of this death game. And that was real enough.

@Alkor

Spoiler

Koga
Level: 31
Health: 620
Energy: 62
DMG: 13 // EVA: 2 // MIT: 0 // ACC: 4
BRN: 24 // BLT: 24 // FLN: 4 // REGN: 10 // LD: 3

Skills
>> [Rank 1] Curved Sword
>> [Rank 5] Katana
     // Ferocity
     // Precision
>> [Rank 0] Martial Arts
>> [Rank 2] Familiar Mastery: Fighter
>> [Rank 0] Survival

Equipment
>> T2 Demonic Katana <<Tsuki no Hikari>> [Burn // Blight // Cursed // Fallen]
>> T2 Perfect Light Armor <<Shadow Chance Coat>> [Evasion // Evasion // Regen]
>> T1 Perfect Necklace <<White Owl Necklace>> [Accuracy // Accuracy // Accuracy]

 

Edited February 25, 2021 by Koga

[Alkor 0]

It didn't necessarily surprise Alkor that someone would find him there, but that someone would talk to him did. There weren't many people Alkor had met during the course of the game that would actively seek him out. When he turned to regard Koga, he faintly recognized him from several boss fights. At this point, anyone you had encountered more than once inside Aincrad was familiar enough to greet. With a kind smile, Alkor lifted his hand. "Wasn't expecting company," he laughed, "but it's not unwelcome. Good to see you," Alkor said.

He gestured toward the edge of the overlook not so far from where he was seated and indicated that Koga ought to take a seat of his own. The only thing below them was water, and perhaps the dangers that lurked within; but there was no threat of fall damage for either man at least. "I've just been thinking," Alkor explained. "About things outside, stuff I might have missed. How things will have changed once all's said and done. How I've changed, and how people will respond to it." It was a strange thing to talk about with someone else, but he wasn't recoiling from it either. That was leaps and bounds better than before he had logged in.

"There's always someone who misses you when you're gone, I think. Though in my case, I don't think the person I miss even remembers me," he chuckled, though it masked sadness. After a moment, his laughter evolved into a painful sigh before he picked a spot somewhere in the vast sea below and concentrated on it. When he did so, he found himself just distracted enough not to tear up. "Ah, well," he glanced sidelong toward the other man.

"What do you think?" he asked. "Do people inevitably give up when something seems impossible, or do they keep on holding tight to hope?" It was easy for them to hope in Aincrad, where gaining levels and strength had the potential to take them to where they wanted to go, if not in the present then after hard work. Outside in the real world, what you could do to change your stars was limited. People eventually gave up on their dreams and settled for less. That was how so many stories became sad. 

It was why Alkor had hated the real world. 

It was why he had wanted to escape.

It was why he was here.

[Koga 0]

Alkor gestured for Koga to take a seat beside him, and the man obliged him, leaning back a little, keeping himself propped up with his arms. There was a comfortable silence between them for a moment or two. Not the usual awkward kind where no one was sure of what to say. It was more like, whatever needed to be said would be said in its own time.

"I've been thinking-" Koga didn't turn to look. Instead he listened. But by the end he wasn't really sure if he wanted to hear it after all. His fingers dug into the dirt, as he searched for the words to answer the other player. "I...think they never really forget. Some part of them always remembers, whether its their head, or their heart, something does. Sometimes you feel kinda sad, and like somethings missing in your life ya know? And maybe that's why," Koga answered, looking out over the horizon. "Yeah, I know it sounds a little dumb..." he admitted, "but who knows? Maybe its true."

Koga thought a moment longer. "As to whether or not people give up in the face of the impossible...well, look at us. Trapped in a game. Faced with certain death. And yet, here we are. Still fighting." Koga took a deep breath and let it out. "Hey, however you're hoping remembers you?" he said, a touch of melancholy in his voice, "I hope you get to see them again. And that they remember you."

Were those tears he felt forming?

@Alkor

[Alkor 0]

As kind of a sentiment as it was, Alkor recalled his grandmother's frail fingers against his arm. He remembered the scared, confused look in her eyes as she begged for help. When she asked the question that broke his heart- who are you?

He felt an emptiness in his stomach that only seemed to grow and expand through the rest of his body. "In their heart, huh?" When he considered those words, he wondered. Maybe she was trapped somewhere inside her own mind, just like he was inside of Aincrad. Maybe she did remember him, and she wanted to remember, but she couldn't. He had mixed feelings about that. It was nice to believe that she hadn't completely forgotten him, though.

It made the emptiness a bit more tolerable.

Alkor had gained a great deal since he came to this world. He'd learned how to talk to others and interact. He had been forced to fight for his life, and he'd undergone changes in both mentality and spirit. He wanted to get out not simply because he wanted to be comfortable and see his grandmother again, but because he had a life to live. For the first time in his life, he actually wanted to experience new things and was not afraid. 

Their situation was uniquely precarious, however. When Koga related it back to reality, Alkor still saw a stark contrast between the two worlds. In this world, they had no choice. There were no alternate routes toward the goal. Outside, people gave up frequently. They looked for ways to skirt difficulty or skip over it entirely. But... there was merit in it. They had adapted to this world, and they had survived to be here, having this conversation.

Then, Koga said that he hoped that he would see her again, and that he hoped she remembered him. His eyes closed slowly, and his smile wavered a bit. He managed to keep it intact, however. "Yeah, I hope so too," he replied in a quiet voice. "How about you?" he asked. He wasn't sure if he would get a direct answer or not, but he had noticed that the other man recoiled a bit at the topic initially. Maybe their situations weren't the same, but he got the sense that they felt a similar pain.

"Someone waiting for you to come home?" 

 

[Koga 0]

Alkor repeated Koga's words. Oddly, it felt a little like shouting into a canyon, and hearing it echo back. It was only real to the ones who heard it. For Alkor's sake, Koga hoped it was true. It had to be. If it wasn't, it made everything about life seem a little bit pointless. Maybe even cruel.

"How about you? Someone waiting for you to come home?"

But the world was cruel. Wasn't it?

Koga sat forward now, staring at the earth, his fingers picking at the grass, pulling out blades one by one. The air slowly started began to smell like a freshly cut lawn.

Pick. Pick. Pick.

"Not exactly," There was silence again. Not the comfortable silence of before, but the silence that occurred only when someone was struggling with something and the only thing those around them could do was watch, even if they never knew that that was what they were doing. It was uneasiness. "Family. Parents..." the swordsman said, trailing off as he sought how best to put it. "We never got along though. My sister and I on the other hand, we were inseparable, but uhm...she won't be there when I get back...She was a player too...She died...along with my fiance."

Pick. Pick. Pick.

"So, I don't really know that there's anyone waiting for me. I guess I'll find out when I get there."

@Alkor

[Alkor 0]

He sat for a long time as Koga spoke, and he imagined it. What would he have done in the same position? What if his sister were trapped inside this insane world, threatened with death every waking moment? They had never been close, but she was still part of his family, and he had always been told that family was important. Even if he had never felt that connection, the pain in Koga's voice wasn't evident, but the way he spoke...

Somehow, Alkor empathized with that. Before he had ever logged into Sword Art Online, he had lost the woman who raised him. She was not dead, but her mind had gone somewhere he could not follow. Now, this man had lost both his lover and a beloved sibling. The sinking feeling that lingered just outside the edge of his thoughts clambered back within sight. There was a deep, impregnable darkness now eclipsing the horizon. Even though the sunlight lit up the world around them, Alkor saw only bleak shades of gray. But-

His eyes slowly closed, and he put a hand on the other man's shoulder. Bearing that burden, sucking in every tear, and helping the man next to you walk was the unspoken duty of the Brotherhood. No matter if their sadness flooded the world and drowned them alive, together they would tread the water and fight for every breath. "Every day that you're alive is something to look forward to," he said. It had taken time for him to believe that, and unimaginable suffering. He still feared his grandmother would be gone before he got to see daylight with his own eyes again, yet there was always the possibility that something else waited just beyond the next sunrise.

"The people we love can't be replaced, that's true, but..." Alkor remembered the names of people he had met on his journey through Aincrad. He recalled people that he now knew as friends, as well as his friends from before. His sad smile became real, if only for a moment. "For every hole in our hearts, there's something that comes to make the wounds hurt a little less." 

His grandmother had told him when her own father, an irreplaceable part of her life had gone on to the next adventure. "As long as there's a future, there's something to look forward to."

He removed his hand from the other man and turned his gaze back toward the horizon, bits of the sunset breaking through the darkness and reaching him with their warmth.

"I'm not saying go out and try to replace anyone, that's never going to happen. Their memories will always be strong in your heart, and with time, they may become your greatest strength. But, I've had to learn to let go. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, maybe that I'll ever have to do. Grandmom... she doesn't know who I am anymore, or maybe you're right, and somewhere behind that fog that's swallowed her up completely, she's still that same woman who raised me. But, she can't do that anymore. I'm a grown man and I've had to learn to go forward without her guidance. It's not the same as your situation, maybe, but..."

Alkor gave him a thumbs up. 

"I'm living proof that the human heart can endure anything, as long as you have the willpower."

[Koga 0]

Silence followed Koga's words, and Koga kept picking at the grass. The air was full of that Saturday morning scent now, the comforting aroma of cut grass. The scent of fear. Survival. That fresh cut grass smell was a defense mechanism. It let other blades of grass know that their brethren were being killed, that they needed to retreat, hide their resources near their roots and protect it for another day. A signal to run.

Koga was broken from his thoughts when he felt Alkor's hand on his shoulder, and he looked back towards the man. Flowery words. But at their core, there was some truth to them. Koga looked away again, back out to the horizon and it's fading light, bathing the world in a beautiful orange hue, the sun's promise that it'd return tomorrow. Koga held back the urge to cry. He hated crying in front of others. When had he become such a baby?

"I wish I had your outlook on life, Alkor," Koga said to the man, "It's...determined, it's...hopeful." He paused a moment to really think about Alkor's words. "Letting go..." he murmured to himself. "I don't know that I'll ever really let go. I'm a stubborn ass," he said with a slight chuckle. "But you're right, I gotta move on. Maybe not yet, but one day, I'll have too..." Koga looked at Alkor again, a sad smile to match his, "I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother," Koga added, "that can't be easy. You're a good guy, I think she'd be proud of you."

@Alkor

[Alkor 0]

"...it's not easy," he admitted. "There's plenty of times where I go to dark places. Extremely dark, so dark that I can't see the light."

Everyone had their darkness. Alkor had lived in it so long that it became comfortable, and he had no desire to turn back. At least, that was how he had lived. For years before Aincrad, some of the sadness that came from solitude had festered in the cracks left behind by his Father leaving, and his Mother choosing to simply move on from the life he'd known. Alkor was a child then. He resisted change, and when change came anyway, he lost the desire to fight against it. The path of least resistance became his reality, to the point where he cast aside friends, family, and anything else that hurt him. He didn't think the pain was worth it.

He learned from suffering in spite of his desire not to. He realized inside this world that there were some things you couldn't stop, no matter how far into the sand you buried your head. Now when he thought back on his Grandmother, it hurt; but that pain was proof that he had loved something. It was a validation, in a sick and masochistic way, it proved that he had lived. In spite of the deep, all-consuming darkness, Alkor had survived. And now, Alkor set himself ablaze to be the light for others who couldn't see. It was the only way he knew how to give back.

"When you think everything is hopeless, when there's no more reason to move forward, that's when you'll see the light that guides you home."

Home was a relative thing. It wasn't a singular place. Home could be a person, an abstract concept- for Alkor, home was his purpose. In this world, and beyond it. There were people who depended on him. There were things that only he could do. Home for Koga might be something entirely different; but one day, Alkor had faith that the man would find it. He'd even be there to help light the way.

"I think she'd be glad I finally got my head out of my ass," he said with a laugh. "Grandmom watched me for a long time and I can't imagine she was proud of the person I was." With a shrug, he reached into the folds of his cloak and produced a pipe. When he brought it to his lips, the sensation of smoke entering his lungs gave him a brief taste of the old world. He closed his eyes and languished in the flavor, in the memories of his grandfather and the dinstinct tastes of the American South. When his eyes reopened, they were on the sunset.

"Honestly, Koga," he said, "you're still breathing. That's more than most people do when they lose everything. As long as you survive, you're fighting. I'm pretty sure that your loved ones would be proud of you for that."

[Koga 0]

Koga didn't know how to respond to Alkor at first. To be completely honest, he didn't really have a response. He wasn't so sure about that bit about the light guiding him home. He didn't even know what home was anymore. It felt to him like his home had been taken from him. Maybe he'd find it again though. He didn't know if he ever would. At least, he hadn't yet.

As the conversation returned back to Alkor's grandmother, Koga turned his head and looked at the man as he pulled out his pipe. "Well, I don't know what you were like before all this," the swordsman admitted, "But the man you are now? I know she'd be proud. I don't think there are a lot of people out there in the world who are like you, Alkor." It seemed like a hollow sentiment. Koga hadn't known Alkor that long. But even in the short time that Koga had known the man, he'd proven himself to be brave, and more than willing to put himself in harms way for the sake of others. That was enough for Koga to make his words ring true.

"It's kinda funny that you say that," Koga said with a slight chuckle, "My sister, Tala, she was a lot like me," Koga could feel the tears forming already. He couldn't remember the last time he'd talked about Aki. Months. Maybe a year? "She was stubborn. Like me. but man, did she have a temper." The man chuckled quietly again, thinking back to their childhood antics, "Man, if I died, she would find some way to kill me again." Koga couldn't help let out a whole hearted laugh, despite the fact that stray tears had trailed their way down his face, "I think that's one of the reasons I haven't up and died yet to be honest. I'm so afraid of her kicking my ass in the afterlife. Noct too, god she'd shout my ear off." Koga's laugh slowly died out, and his smile lingered. "Hey Alkor. Thanks for this. For real."

@Alkor

[Alkor 0]

When he saw the tears and heard the laughter, he knew that Koga had been holding in a great deal more than he let on. That was true of many people in Aincrad. Sadly, the way some chose to face the hardship was more toxic to themselves than actually trying to heal. He wasn't the authority on positive mental health, so he wasn't going to tell anyone their way was wrong; but there was a genuine weight lifted from his shoulders when the other man opened up about his lost sister, and his love. It was hard to do. Alkor hadn't initially opened up about his grandmother to anyone, either.

Remembering was the first step, though. Facing the ghosts of the past was breaching the barrier of denial. With that dam broken down, the stages of grief could flow over and eventually, Koga might even be able to move past it all. All of that depended on him, though. Alkor had done all he could. "It's good to talk about them," he said quietly, a smile on his face. He drew another pull from his pipe and the oaky, burnt and acrid flavor rippled through his thoughts again. Far away, in another time, Thom remembered the first time he tasted whiskey. He remembered the way his grandfather's eyes flickered on his deathbed, and how he raided the old man's stores to mourn his death with the same fluid that had made the man numb for so long.

Being numb wasn't moving forward, or backward. It was just... existing. Alkor didn't want to be numb anymore. 

He blew the smoke out through his nostrils and offered the tobacco to the other man, unsure if he'd accept the gesture. There weren't any real ramifications for it. Augmenting drugs did nothing in Sword Art Online: so the act was purely cosmetic, if a bit nostalgic. "Any time, buddy," he told Koga honestly. "There's a lot of stress in this world without the demons we keep hidden from everyone else eating us alive from the inside. Don't hesitate to look for a shoulder. There's a surprisingly large support system if you're willing to reach out." He said that because he knew more than one person who had tried to be that for him. Lessa and Mari were the most prominent examples, but he was certain there had been others. His memory was still a bit hazy. Alkor had made his choice in that. Those people probably still would listen to him, if he cared to talk. 

"I think my biggest thought about dying in this game," Alkor slurred his speech a bit as more smoke roiled over his tongue, "is not being able to see what comes next. I didn't have much of a life before I got to this world, and I'm not satisfied with that. This isn't where I want to go out. I've never done anything, gone anywhere, I've never even been in love."

[Koga 0]

Koga accepted the offer of virtual tobacco with a nod of thanks, putting the pipe to his lips and taking a long draw of his own before taking the wood away and blowing out donuts of smoke as he listened to Alkor. He wasn't so sure about support systems. Not that he didn't think they worked, or that he didn't understand that they were not only helpful, but maybe even necessary, he just...he'd never been sure about them. Growing up, it had been just him. Sure, he had his sister, and they'd been incredibly close, but there were somethings in their lives that had been worlds apart. He'd been alone for so long, adjusting to relying on Noctua and then relearning to lean on his sister after their falling out, that had been difficult. But they had been special cases.

In any case, Koga thought about how he felt about dying, and then realized it wasn't quite so simple as that. "See for me," the man began to explain, "I've always seen this world as real in it's own way." Koga passed the pipe back to Alkor, "We can see, touch, hear, smell and taste it. It's just as real to us, right now. What we do in here impacts everyone else stuck here with us. It's real, at least to me...I guess if I were to die, this isn't such a bad hill to do it on, at least then, chances are I'd have died trying to help others." At least his life would have meant something.

@Alkor

[Alkor 0]

Everyone had their own way of thinking, and it showed. Alkor didn't think Koga was wrong either. Some people had made lifelong friendships through the trials and tribulations of Sword Art Online. "I definitely don't see this as not real," he gestured out toward the augmented reality ahead of them. Down to the smoke that they were inhaling, everything felt just like their actual bodies were doing in. The brain was hard wired to machinery, and with impulses not unlike neurons firing off signals that mimicked true life, their experience happened no different from if they were using their own hands or eyes. He couldn't just discount that. He tried- back when he was pretending to be something that he wasn't, in order to pretend like it had nothing to do with him.

Childish notions for a childish man.

Alkor liked to think he'd grown at least a little since then. "It's more like, everything we're doing now put the lives we were living previously on hold," he made a vague gesture toward the other man. "Everyone and everything I knew was violently replaced with unfamiliar faces and places. I don't want to die without being able to go back and say goodbye to those things. They were precious to me. They still are, even. And there's too many other people that I know now who I don't want to lose out on that opportunity, either."

He twirled the pipe between two fingers and sat backward further, reclining his weight on a single hand. "I sure don't mind the idea of risking my neck to make sure other folks survive," he murmured thoughtfully, "but one day, I got to thinking, maybe it'd be cooler if I didn't have to die in the process. Self-sacrifice can be noble, sure, but if it can be avoided, shouldn't it? Rather than consigning yourself to the idea of death... wouldn't it be much better than to try to reject it entirely? So many people inside this world have gotten this black and white idea that you either survive or you don't. I just one day realized it was selfish of me to think that, with everyone waiting on me on the other side, and all the things I've left undone, to say 'I'm willing to die for this."

The golden eyed man tapped the pipe to his chin thoughtfully. "Everyone's afraid to die," he said, "I've made peace with that fact that I very well could. But I've got reasons to live."

[Koga 0]

"I hadn't thought of it like that," Koga admitted as lying down in the grass beside the other man. "I guess I just always see things as either in the past or right now. Not much point in saying goodbye to something that was already gone. But, maybe you're right. 'Cause they're not really gone. Not yet at least." He paused as he thought some more. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking to get myself killed, but I guess if I am gonna die, I want it to be for a good reason. Everything in the real world seems so random, but in here, everything has a purpose. Maybe that's why I'm so attached to this place, strangely enough." Koga watched as the clouds at the sky limit slowly faded out, being replaced by the light of artificial stars, an impossibility anywhere else, "Everything in here has meaning, purpose. That's all I want I guess."

@Alkor

[Alkor 0]

Alkor heard Koga's words and chuckled quietly. "Everything here has meaning, huh?" He questioned that sentiment because it perfectly mirrored the facade he once adopted. Alkor opted for a path toward becoming a hero that eschewed everything he was outside of Aincrad. Koga's situation was different, certainly, but the same lesson came to mind. "You're not wrong about that, I reckon," the golden eyed swordsman returned the pipe to his lips and took another healthy pull. 

The smoke he exhaled joined with the graying clouds above them. "Everything here is structured and nearly everything has meaning relative to something else. It's how games are. Programs, logic, numbers, code. Everything here is simulated. Maybe that's fine, maybe it's not," Alkor shrugged. He wasn't there for semantics. This whole conversation started because Alkor screamed into the wind about everything he'd felt up to now. It just felt fitting that things came around to laying it all on the table.

"But Koga, don't you think that just means you should try to make things more meaningful, not just here in Aincrad, but back in the real world too?"

Edited February 24, 2021 by Alkor

[Koga 0]

The corner of Koga's lips curved into the faintest of smiles. He knew that much about Aincrad. The numbers, comparators, mesh data, everything the very ground they were sitting on had meaning. It was the only way a place like this could exist, and he knew that because he had tried to make places like this in the real world. It didn't matter whether it was simulated or not, because for the moment it simply was.

But, as Alkor finished saying his piece, the smile faded and Koga closed his eyes. Alkor was right. Just like he seemed to be right about almost everything in this conversation. But even knowing that the truth of the universe itself was in Alkor's words didn't make it easier. "And what about when you can't?"

Koga began to wonder why Alkor had even thought it necessary to have asked Koga the questions he had when he'd first sat down. It seemed he was much wiser than the twenty four year old kid trying to figure out his way in not just one world, but two. Koga didn't wait to see what Alkor's response was to his question. "You think, if we make it out of here, you could go back to life as usual?" It wasn't exactly an innocent question. More so, he didn't want to think about how lost he felt. "I mean, obviously, we'd have to relearn...everything. How to move. How to function in world that isn't constantly trying to kill us, but...do you think we could ever do it? Live normal lives?"

@Alkor

[Alkor 0]

There was no easy answer to that question.

Just saying "no" cheapened the deeper thought that it inherently evoked. Alkor couldn't just dismiss Koga by saying 'of course not,' either. He'd brought the talk to this point by probing, and so the only fair and just recourse was to think about something he'd fought so hard to suppress. With a visible frown on his face, he stared hard at the sunset. "Her conditions worsen pretty much every day," he revealed, a truth he'd spent all his time avoiding. Thom remained alone in his room whenever he was home, isolated from a world that he'd chosen to reject. The pain he felt, the tears he shed. Everything became a second, thicker, iron skin that he wore protectively. 

Even against his own family.

They were the source of so much pain, to the point where his emotions altered them into the enemy apparent. Alkor couldn't love them- or he thought he couldn't. He refused to admit it to himself, the fact that he couldn't just erase a lifetime of emotions. As Jericho came tumbling down, his face remained stoic. Inside however, the ruins and dust had no time to settle.

Alkor cracked. 

He cracked, so imperceptibly that if Koga blinked he'd miss the uncomfortable shift in Alkor's position. The youth lifted his pipe once more, shaking like his bones were ancient. A puff, then another, and he inhaled deep. When he exhaled, his body stilled. He still felt the ache. There was nothing even the pain dampeners of Aincrad could do against what plagued him now.

"The doctors gave her morphine just to deal with the anxiety that her degrading memory induced. She screams out. Doesn't recognize anyone. Not the people she sees daily, or the ones she's known for years. She's alone in the world, and medically, she's already gone. Her body just hasn't caught up to her mind, but it's not far behind."

His expression was weary, for the first time visibly burdened by the entire world he held on his shoulders. Alkor never showed that struggle to anyone, but he couldn't hide it now. Not in this situation. He went for the pipe again, but it fell out of his hand. When it landed on the ground, it split in two and fragmented into billions of pixels. He cursed softly.

"She wouldn't have made it this long. Nothing short of a miracle would have to happen. Being here, in this place, I won't even be able to say goodbye. I ran away like a fucking child, and now, this is my punishment. The one person I can't live without, who's been with me through everything, and I couldn't even be bothered to be there for her when she had no one else."

He looked down now, his hair falling over his eyes. Darkness obscured his features as he sank into those thoughts for just a moment. Everything he'd said was an admission of guilt as much as it was acceptance. All the things he didn't want suddenly became real. Yet, when he lifted his head, Alkor smiled over at Koga.

"Honestly," he said finally. "If I did anything less than live the best life I can, she'd be ashamed of me. Next time I saw her, she'd slap me out of heaven and send me falling back down to Earth, screaming down at me to do it again, but to do it better. Do I think I can live a normal life? Fuck no. I'm a weird kid, I don't understand how other people think or what they feel unless they tell me explicitly. I can't ever be normal. But I can go back and live a good life. That's the only thing I can do."

 

[Koga 0]

Koga looked over at Alkor as he spoke about his real life, the one outside of this virtual death game. About what was waiting for him out there. It sounded just as bleak as it did for Koga. Perhaps even bleaker. Even if Alkor tried not to show it, Koga could hear all the pain in the man's voice. He didn't need to see the sparkle of a broken item to know it.

Maybe they weren't so different after all.

The tightness in Koga's chest grew, in a way he didn't know was possible. He didn't know he could feel this kind of empathy until this very moment. The moment when two men who had never met in the real world, and likely never would, bared out their most vulnerable parts to each other in search of...what? Hope? Understanding? Kinship? Koga didn't know, nor did it matter. They were here, alive, and sharing parts of themselves they'd likely shared with seldom few others.

Koga reached out and placed a hand on Alkor's shoulder and wordlessly squeezed it, letting it fall away moments later. "Look man, I'll be honest, I don't know you too well. Not yet, at least. But I got this feeling, you'll do right by her. I know it." Koga looked out to the water again. Night had almost enveloped them. "And you'll do good in here. Don't think that just 'cause this place is made up of ones and zeros that it doesn't matter, 'cause it does. Your actions in here will- have touched other people. And I think you're the kind of guy who goes out of his way to help others." Koga's head tilted to the side as he thought a moment, "Once we're out, people are gonna remember the people that helped free them from this prison. They'll remember the people that stepped in and saved them when they were about to die, and they'll remember the people who helped them do a quest they couldn't have alone. They'll remember the people who helped them get through all those days and nights of struggle." They were all in this together after all.

The swordsman sighed. Not the tired, defeated sighs from before, but one that signified an acceptance of his role. "And when you get out, you'll live a good life. A real good one, one that she'd be proud of."

@Alkor

[Alkor 0]

Alkor took a moment to breathe. Everything felt so insignificant in that moment, like the pain had washed over him and taken away every ounce of anxiety related to Aincrad. It was replaced with a doubt he wouldn't ever absolve, even long into the future. Once this game ended, he would always have to live with the fact that he wasn't there when his grandmother needed him. It was a valuable lesson, and one that would spur a great shift in his mindset. From now on, if someone needed him, Alkor would be there. Even if he didn't know them. Even if he didn't like them. His grandmother had always told him that kindness was rare in their world, and that if he could be anything, he should be kind. It was time to live that life, the one he had been afraid to look toward.

With a weak smile, he turned to glance at Koga. "Yeah," he said quietly. "In this world, there are people we would never have met otherwise. There's experiences we couldn't have had under any other circumstances. There's gonna be lessons to learn; and I think the most important thing we can do is start opening ourselves up to them." Alkor offered an outstretched fist to Koga, to bump his own against. "From now on, if you need my help, just ask for it. I'll add you as a friend, and I'll always be just a message away."

He opened up his menu and sent the request, giving the man the opportunity to accept.

[Koga 0]

Koga bumped fists with Alkor. "Yeah, and we will," he agreed before the friend request window appeared before his eyes. The man pressed the accept button, and the window disappeared once more. The man decided it was worth sitting a little while longer, if only to watch the sun in it's final moments before darkness had truly set in. Koga couldn't remember the last time he had simply sat and watched the world for the sake of the act itself.

There was solace to be found in the company of those who shared in their pain. Though their situations were different, they both grieved over the things they lost, the things they wished they had and could do. While they could not change the past, they could still change their futures.

"Hey, Alkor," the man said, breaking the comfortable silence. "I don't know how this'll work out, but when we get out of here, look me up, alright?"

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