[SP-F06] I'll Face Myself <<Calming the Soul ~ Failed Ending>>

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"Save us from Ourselves"

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My eyes opened as my avatar suddenly appeared on the sixth floor. A myriad of trees and other green foliage caught my eyes as I peered past the village of Krycim. Of course, I could only admire for a moment before the distaste of the NPC's reached my ears. Due to the color of my cursor, they hated me just like the players did. They only see the labels put on me by this world. They don't see me. They just see that I am a murderer. "Vanish." I whispered in an annoyed tone, completely disappearing from sight and leaving the incoming guards with confused expressions. Without a trace, I head into the surrounding jungle. 

Crouched next to the trunk of a rather tall tree, a swipe my left hand in a downward motion to access my menu. Moving through the messaging tab, I find the one labeled <<Raidou>>. Drafting a few words up, I stare at his name for a moment. A slight blush tinged my pale cheeks, an almost longing feeling building up in my chest. I shook my head, the feelings fading abruptly as I forced them away. 'Now isn't the time to be worried about him or the others. I have to get to work.' I thought to myself before pressing the send message button. I closed my menu, hugging my legs as I awaited an answer in silence. 

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Message to Raidou:

Hey, I am just about to do that Calming Soul quest on the Sixth Floor. Should I have anything to worry about?

 

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It was only a short time before a quiet pinged ringed through my ears as a reply came in from my own personal info broker. Swiftly opening the message and reading its contents, I mentally noted how straight and to the point the message was. 

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From Raidou:

Come prepared for a fight. You'll face yourself and I would hate to see you die.

'Face myself?' I questioned mentally before closing the message. "So its just another Gemini Clone, no big deal." I stood and began heading towards the quest's main location. This quest was a bit more fancy than the Gemini. 'I get to meditate at a waterfall to fight my demons or something inside of my mind... or some metaphorical bullshit like that.' I thought to myself. Of course, I knew that no matter what the quest details involved, a quest was a quest. I just had to go in and kill whatever stood in my way. 

As my eyes caught sight of the waterfall another ping caught my attention. A sigh escaped my lips as I swiped my hand to open it. 'I bet its from Ayame wondering what I am doing.' However, to my surprise it was another message from Raidou. 

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That first message was too formal. Anything you've ever worried about will come true during this quest. Hidden, I believe you can complete it. Its a push toward the end of a journey through the muck and trash this world brings. A step in the right direction away from all the baggage and a way to clean house. We still have a lot to talk about, and I may just be able to hold a conversation. So you better be around to tell me to shut up or try harder. Got it stupid?

I believe in you

Mixed feelings were evoked from this second message. The thought that he was worried about someone like me brought a humming feeling in my chest. If only that humming feeling was weighed down from the thought of facing everything I've ever worried about. And the fact that he called me stupid. 'I'll slap him later or something for that. That drug dealer is getting too big of a head, he needs to be put back down.' A small chuckled escaped my lips.

Stepping forward, I would take a quick glance at the flat stones that surrounded the falling crystal clear water. Of course, I wouldn't be an idiot and made sure to check around for players before even approaching these stones. This place was perfect for an ambush. Sure that there was no enemies nearby, I would find myself seated atop of the middle stone. I stared at the waterfall. 'I wonder how long I have to stare at it to get it to work.' 

A sudden chill filled my body and I wrapped my arms over my legs to conserve my body heat. Sighing, I closed my eyes and waited. 

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For a moment, time seemed to have stopped functioning as normal. The feeling of cold swept over my body one more time before the temperature rose suddenly. A floral scent caught my nose. Opening me eyes again, I was affronted with a different scene than the waterfall. 

A beautiful night filled the sky, a full moon shining its light down on the plain of green grass. Violet flowers littered the ground, small yellow orbs floating into the air from their middle. These flowers cast a faint purple light, adding to the brilliance of the world. 

A smile of childish glee painted itself onto my face as pure joy radiated from my own figure. "This? This is the world of my mind?" Outstretching my arms, I gave a twirl. "Everything is so perfect!" The world so filled with quiet and calm beauty. 'What was Raidou worried about? Everything is absolutely lovely! Its perfect!' The smile outstretched on my face was plastered there, unchanging. Crouching down, I admired a flower far more closely than before. A lavender scent emanated from the flower. 'That smell... it reminds me of my house with Sey. It's the exact same.' 

She sat on the ground, running her fingers through the soft grass and looked up to gaze at the night sky. The clouds seemed to almost glow in the moonlight. 'Can I stay here? Forever?' A feeling of unease suddenly passed over me and I sat up, gazing across the landscape. Sure enough, something was out of order. A dark figure seemed to also sit alone in the distance. 

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Standing, I began to make my way over to the figure. As I came closer, I slowly began to work out the features of the figure that sat there. It was obviously a human woman, long dark Black hair and Violet eyes similar to that of my own. She wore a dark shade of colors, something that I would also typically find myself wearing. 

The woman raised her head, her eyes meeting my own. A sense of familiarity radiated from her. Unlike the rest of the world, no warmth came from this girl's cold and dead stare. A feeling of dread began to build up in my chest as I choked out the words,

"Have... Have I met you before? Do I know you?" 

A smile came from the woman, but there was no kindness behind it. "Maybe not anymore..." The woman began before standing. Her height matched my own, allowing our eyes to meet without obstruction. 

"... but I know you better than anyone." she finished. Taking a step back, a look of confusion crossed my face. Confusion slowly became disbelief as I began to understand exactly what was happening here. "So what you're saying is..." I began, however the woman was the one to finish the sentence. "I am you. The one you hide from. The one you can't escape. The truth." 

I bit my lip, fear slowly beginning to flow into me as I realized what I had gotten myself into. This was what Raidou was warning me of. "... and this world. Is nothing but the illusion you've set up. You are nothing but a façade thrown together to try to fit in." The woman lifted her hand, clenching it within the air. A breaking sound came from every direction and I watched fearfully as the world around me shattered, breaking like a mirror. Shards of the world fell until they hit the ground where they would fade from view. 

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The ground split, the violet petals flying into the air as if to save themselves from the end that was fated for them. The figure before me vanished along with the scenery. All that was left for me remained an endless lake that revealed to me my own reflection. The face that stared back was filled fear. I caught a glimpse of my hair, which had once again returned to its normal black. Movement caught my eyes, and I leapt back. Shadowy hands had begun to reach up from the lake and were attempting to grab me, pull me in. 

My heart racing, I grabbed my dagger from where it was sheathed on my left arm. Putting aside my own emotions, I focused on battle. My dagger let a white gleam, becoming the only light in the endless darkness that surrounded me. A hand lurched forward, attempting to reach me. With a quick slash, its faded into nothingness. A second one made its way forward. 'If they can be destroyed, than I have nothing to worry about. I don't need to worry about my emotions for this, my brute strength can pull me through.' 

Another slash, but to my own dismay this strike was completely stopped by the hand as if it were stronger than the last hand. I pulled back my attack, thrusting my dagger into the hand's palm. Once again, the attack was ineffective. The grand grasped the blade of the dagger, snapping the weapon in two. I took a step back, aghast at what had just transpired. Each of the hands moved in, the first grabbing me by the neck as others spiraled up my arms and legs. A voice filled the void that surrounded me. 

"You've never been strong enough to be able to help yourself..." 

Air became harder to breathe in as I began to suffocate from the hands. Choking, I tried to rip them from my neck, but it was pointless. I was powerless to do anything. My body became limp as I became too asphyxiated to move. The hands pulled me into the lake, leaving me to drown within its depths. I sank to the bottom of the lake, but as I hit the bottom, I found myself able to stand. The lake had become a dark forest, the flower petals falling through the air before sitting on the ground. The air was still heavy, forcing to fight for the air in the area. My gaze looked forward, finding the antagonist once more standing thirty meters away staring at me. Her gaze filled with pity as if she were looking at a pathetic bug. 

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My heart pounded, but no longer out of fear. Out of anger. Anger for her. Glaring daggers at the figure, I spat my mind at her. "You. Who the hell do you think you are? Making a fool out of me? I'll kill you." I looked down, finding the broken dagger still in my hand. However, there was still a piece of it remaining. It was still a weapon. "Messing with me was a mistake." I darted forward, closing the distance between us. However, instead of attacking like normal, I slammed into her figure sending both of us tumbling to the ground. Atop of her, I thrusted my broken dagger into her neck. 

"DIE" The words forced their way out my own mouth. However, it sounded just like her voice.

"Do you really think you can just kill that side of yourself like this? You might dye your hair a different color and try to act a different way. But this is who you are. You play the Victim but all you are is a monster. All we are is a walking disaster. Anything we touch, we break it. We kill it."

I tried to argue, but no words found their way out of mouth. Somewhere, I knew what she was saying... it was true. The woman disappeared from beneath me and reappeared a few feet away. I stood, grasping my broken dagger like my life depended on it. 

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My gaze didn't back down from the figure as she stood there. The woman's figure flickered, for a quick moment showing tears streaming down her face. It flickered again, showing a face filled with murderous glee. Once again it became the cold gaze that she had first encountered. 

"You've told yourself that you stick to the shadows because its your fighting style. The truth is, we hide there to hide from everyone else. We hide from them, we hide from the pain. No matter how much we hide, the pain is still there. They hate us all the same."

I pushed away the woman's words. 'She's just telling me things to get at me. She's just something made up by the game. She's one of the demons I have to get past. I just have to kill her and the quest ends right?' 

"You're wrong." the woman assured me. I seethed with hatred. "YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME SO WELL? I'LL F**KING KILL YOU" My hatred burst forward with me as I raked at her with everything. I tried to cut her to shreds with broken dagger, to tear her apart with my bare hands. 

"I knew it would end like this." the figure told me. A wave of her hand send black spears through my body, piercing at several different points and rendering me immobile. As anger faded, fear crept its way back into my heart. "You don't have the strength to save yourself. It's why you rely on others but still try to keep up that tough act." I attempted to struggle, to free myself, but just as she said I was powerless to save myself. "You don't know me!" I half screamed half shouted at the woman. 

"I am you. You are me. We are one and the same. Accept that fact. Accept me." 

"We aren't! We aren't the same! I am different! I changed!" My voice screamed, pleading. 

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My binds faded, dropping me to the cold ground. I looked up at her. "Believe me now? I've changed. I am getting better. I am not just some monster. I have friends. Who care about me!" A moment of silence grew longer between us. 'Thats it. I just had to stay strong. That's how I win this.' I thought to myself. 

"These 'friends' of ours. Do you really think they care about us? Or are they scared into submission?" 

Disbelief flooded my face. "Of cou-" My words cut off as two figures appeared before me. Crozeph and Ayame. Fear spread across both of their faces and memories suddenly flooded back to me. I had threatened to kill both of them. I remembered the feeling that I felt then. The anger that burned furiously inside of me. The fire within me that threatened to consume them, consume their lives and snuff them out. "Ayame..." I whispered. Understanding how much I scared her. 'What if they only pretend to be my friend because they are scared of me?' 

My attention turned back to the woman. Shadows crept up her body, the darkness seeming to be playing with her form. Her violet eyes filled with darkness, becoming entirely black. A smile of murderous glee filled her face. 

"We've always been alone. Just us. Nobody has loved us. Not since mother died. We will fight through this world alone. We will die in this world alone." I shook my head, and continued to argue with her. 

"I'm not alone! There are those that help me because they want to. Not because they are scared!" Memories of Yuki, Raidou and Mari surfaced, each of them going out of their way to help me. They might not understand everything I did, but they cared about me. 

The Alchemist coated in red told me when emotions had risen the highest,  You're not a monster, are you? and neither am I. You are no burden I hold no ill will toward you at all, so when you think of those hate you. Feel free to exclude me from the faces you see."

The presence of the girl in orange felt like that of a mother. Warm, comforting. Unwavering. "I can try and help. I can't make promises. I can't say I'll make things better because I don't know if I can. I can't say things will heal, because I don't know if they will - but. I have a home on the fourth floor.  and I know sitting under a warm Kotatsu, sipping tea- can soothe a troubled mind. That will always be open to you. I will always be open to you."

The bright pink light, energetic, and infectious to the touch. Even I felt like I would be consumed by its energy everytime it was near. "I'm aware you prefer to keep your friends list as minimal as possible, however, if you need a tank please don't be afraid to find me. Or, if you need anyone to talk to."

Their faces came to me now. Their figures stood before me, standing in between me and the woman that claimed to be me. "I'm not alone." I said, though I said it more to assure myself again. "I have friends who care. Who I can stand beside." 

Vanity tag: @Raidou @Mari @Zajcica

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"Are you really standing beside them? Or are you just hiding behind them? Using them to let yourself believe that you have a place here?" She said coldly. The woman raised her hand, a cold darkness condensing. The forms of Raidou, Yuki, and Mari stood prepared for the attack. The woman let loose the attack, dark tendrils shooting forth to strike them. One by one, her friends shattered into pixels. 

"We destroy everything we touch. Anyone we decide to become friends with is in danger. They sacrifice themselves for you and thats exactly what you wanted. In your eyes, they are just pawns to deploy and sacrifice. They aren't your friends. They are just people you've manipulated into caring for you." 

I fell to my knees in disbelief as my friends fell. 'Is she right? Am I just using these people? Have I just been hiding from that cold-hearted truth?' "I'm not that cruel. I-I wouldn't use them like that." 

"Just face it. We're a monster. We are the villian in this story. This is destiny and we've been hiding from it. Hiding from your true self." 

The sky darkened even further as the woman who reflected me came closer. 

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My reflection stepped forward, pausing only a few feet away. "Its time to stop dreaming. Wake up. Stop pretending to be this cutesy misunderstood victim. You know deep down all you really want is revenge. Revenge on those who hurt you. To show everyone else how much you've hurt. Give back the pain you've had to endure." A shadowed hand grabbed my chin, pulling my face down slightly so that I looked directly into the eyes that reflected my own soul. They were dark, and filled with pain and anger. "B-But Mari said that frie-" 

"MARI DOESN'T KNOW YOU LIKE YOU DO! DOES IT FEEL BETTER TO HAVE PEOPLE PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT YOU? OR DOES IT FEEL BETTER TO GET WHAT YOU DESERVE?" 

The shadow hand lifted me off my feet and threw me to the floor. The world shifted to a place that haunted my nightmares. I remained chained to the floor, my clothing in tatters. Familiar words echoed across the room. 

"After three days and all it took was threatening some boy. I guess the infamous Shadow Walker has exploitable feelings after all?" The LC commander spat in her face. They had threatened Sey's life  if I didn't give into helping lure Aereth into a trap. "You really don't have much use to me anymore. I've got what I want. I'm leaving you here for the others to do something with. Their only orders are not to kill you, but you aren't bad looking. Luckily for you Aincrad has some rules that save you from the worst." The man left the room, leaving me to the surrounding members. 

I shut my eyes as tight as I possibly could. I didn't want to see or hear their howls of joyous laughter as they stared and judged her half-naked body. They found glee in the tears that streamed down her face. 

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I opened my eyes as the laughter ceased, finding myself standing over the frightened figure of the Laughing Coffin commander. My dagger once again was whole and resting in my hand. It was heavy, as if it wanted to kill this man. Killing him wouldn't effect the Laughing Coffin too much, he wasn't the leader, but he was the man who put me in that situation. I bit my lip. Somewhere deep down, I knew she was just proving some point. 

At that moment though, I didn't care. I wanted that man dead. It didn't matter if I was supposed to be a changing woman. A girl who was wrongfully framed as a murderer. Seething with anger, I held my dagger in a reverse grip and allowed my dagger to plunge into his chest. His lifebar fell into nothing, the man pixelating around me. Suddenly, the scene shifted, and I looked up facing a reflection. A reflection of myself. A murderous glint remained in my eyes, a relieve smile spread across my face. My own voice echoed through the room. 

"This is what I want. I want those who hurt me to be in just as much pain." 

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I took a step back, my eyes set on my own reflection as fear settled into them. It had happened. I'd been manipulated by the game, the monster. I shook my head. Obviously, this was just a plot for me to fail the quest. "I-I don't believe any of this. You're just trying to make me feel this way. I am d-different now!" I stuttered through my words. I charged forward, slamming my fist into my own reflection but my fist only caused it to ripple. 

Coming out of my shadow was the figure of the woman that had been antagonizing me. The woman that was me. She grabbed my shoulders and whispered softly into my ear. Her voice sent a cold shudder down my spine. 

"I am not trying to make you feel anything. I am trying to remind you of what you really are." 

I suddenly lurched forward, distancing myself from the woman. My feet slammed into the beaten wooded path as I made my escape from her, from this reality. There had to be a way back into that dream. The world where everything felt right. I turned back, finding that the woman followed. While she wasn't running as I was, her walking pace kept her just in view. As she became a speck in my vision, my running came to a halt. 

My eyes fluttered to the scenery around me. It was the same dark cluttered forest as it had been. The trees were dead and gnarled, the lack of sunlight draining them of nourishment. Out of habit, I breathed the word, "Vanish" and my form became enshrouded by the shadows. My shadows. I could control this. I had a grasp on something in the very least. At least so I thought. 

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"How long do you think you can hide from yourself?"

The voice was cold and unforgiving. I looked in the direction from which I came, but I didn't see her there. My eyes widening, I turned to the way in which I was heading and surely enough there she was. 

She stood in the pale light, a hand raised high above her head. Black daggers weaved from shadows circled behind her figure. A cold and cruel smile played on her face. A giggle escaped from her lips and she clenched her hand. The daggers burst forth aiming themselves towards me. I leapt from my hiding spot just before several daggers lodged themselves where I had just been standing. It didn't stop there however, the daggers kept striking. 

I kept moving in an evasive manner, several daggers whizzing past me. Another dodge. A dagger grazed my cheek. I turned suddenly to face my assailant to see my own face filled with laughter and glee. My own murderous intent. A sharp cold pain pierced my back, sending me to my knees. Gasping from the freezing feeling that spread throughout my back, I watched as she came closer. 

"Come on now, there isn't anywhere to run. I know what you're thinking. I'm just some illusion created to trick and kill you."

She flashed a smile at me, and for a moment it had warmth. That warmth became cold as she looked at me with a deadly amount of seriousness. 

"You are the illusion. The illusion you created of yourself to trick yourself and others so you'd have friends. You even permanently took on the appearance of a disguise that you made to fit in. Every day, you try more and more to be that girl. You run and run from your true self." 

Shadowy hands grasped my arms and legs, holding them down. 

"You're done running. Enough of dreams, it's time to wake up." 

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She brought her face close to mine, her soulless eyes smiling as she looked down on me. Shadows covered my face, drowning me in the darkness. As I gasped for air, I found myself falling until I landed on the soft grass. I stood up, frowning as I noticed something odd. The ground was far too close to my eyes. My hands were smaller as well. I looked around, finding myself in a place that looked distantly familiar. I was standing on a cement porch, a small white house behind me and the streets of Japan in front.

I looked back for a moment, catching my own reflection in the glass door behind me. The face of a dark-haired child stared back, confused violet eyes met my own. 'no...'

I looked back, my mother's vehicle beginning to pull away from the house. My heart began to race, fear creeping into my lungs. "Mom!" My younger voice cried out. I raced forward as fast as my small legs would take me. However, no matter how fast I tried to run, I couldn't keep up with the car at all. I came to a stop at the end of the driveway, watching helplessly as I knew what would happen transpired.

At the four-way stop, as my mother crossed into the intersection, a truck slammed into her vehicle, sending her small car airborne. Tears flooded to my eyes and I fell to my knees. A warm embrace came from behind and for a moment by tears ceased. Until I realized that it was simply the woman that had made me revisit this memory. "What you just seen will not change. It isn't something that can not be moved on from. Stop hiding from it. Instead, learn from it."

 

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"Others are bound, tied down by the relationships they make with others. Those feelings make you weaker. It's happened multiple times. First with Sey, than Assassin. Used as chips in someone else's plan to hurt you. You've never needed anyone. And no one has never needed you. Your father didn't want you. Yuki hasn't shown any sign of caring to see you. Assassin is just using you. Who knows what disposable piece you play on Raidou's chessboard." 

The woman who looked like me released me, standing until she looked down on my younger self. "Now, instead of suffering as you are used by everyone, take my hand and we will walk the world alone. Nobody truly understands you." As if on cue, NIGHT's words echoed throughout the world. "And if everyone hates you, as you'd said, then what's the point of sticking around?" 

The world of my memories faded, returning to the dark forest that me and the woman had faced off in. "What are we going to do?" 

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"What are we going to do?" 

The words echoed back to me and the other me was no longer in sight. She had vanished from the world at quickly as she had appeared. Even if she wasn't here to speak, I felt as if she was still there. She was inside me, whispering my own insecurities into my heart. The problem was that I believed everything she said. Those I considered to be my friends had been used as playing cards. Every time I let them in they just got hurt. Besides, were they really my friends anyway? Or were they just using me to get what they really wanted?

Assassin wanted to become stronger, so she'd been feeding on the SP from questing with me. Yuki was too read to throw herself at an opponent, something I had plenty of. Mari just took pity on me. And Raidou... I could no longer say that he was scared into being my friend. However, he was the kind of man who always had a plan. I don't know what part of his plan I played. Either way, he was using me. Something I hated. 

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My eyes fell on the reflection from the dark water at my feet. My reflection was distorted from the water's ripples. The distorted ripples made it appear as if my eyes were as glassy as the water's surface. I felt... lighter than before. The constant weight of the doubt that I carried had seemed to fade away. Was this the effects of Calming the Soul? "I think its about time I left." 

The world seemed to fold in on me, as if I were draining it. The dark forest swirled around, sucking itself into my figure. I closed my eyes. When I reopened them, I found the waterfall once again. How long had I been sitting there now? It didn't matter, it was time to go. Glassy eyes looked towards the jungle surrounding me as I melted into it. There was things that needed to be done before the next boss fight. If I could raise my levels a few more times, that would be rather helpful.

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Now sitting on the outskirts of the main settlement of Floor six, I opened my menu. I needed to tell Raidou that I had passed. However, an invisible seem to grab my hand and prevent it from doing so. I frowned as my thoughts rang out, voicing my inner feelings. 

'Why do I feel the need to let someone know about things they don't need to? Especially if they are just using me?' 

That was right. I only needed to talk to him when I wanted something. That was the true meaning of our 'friendship' wasn't it? He wanted me to fill a part in his play and I wanted someone to help me reach my goals. It was as simple as that. I asked him about the quest to make it easier. He didn't need to know it was done. I closed the menu, a piece of me satisfied with the choice. 

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Standing, I turned to head inside the settlement, the guards stationed at the gates giving me a stern look as I stepped forward. Without a change in expression, I melted into the shadows, stepping between them. A confused expression took over their faces. After a moment though, they seemed to act as if nothing had ever even happened. She strolled through this city, stepping onto the teleport pad. She supposed she ought to go home. She hadn't mentioned her leave to Ayame; however, she wasn't even sure that was important. 

Blue light overtook her figure as she was teleported away from the sixth floor. She doubted she would return there any time soon. She needed to make her way up to face stronger enemies. She had only come back down to get the skill. Now that she had obtained it, it could sit and gather dust in her skill list. 

 

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Glassy eyes met Floor Two's scenery as she appeared within it's city's limits. The walk to her house was infuriating, but as an orange player she had gotten use to walking around. She stepped slowly through the city, uninterrupted by the city's guards who had yet to spot her. 

The rocky grassland fields of the second floor were a nice thing to see if you hadn't looked at it hundreds of times before. Finding the path to her house, she followed it until it brought her to the small homely house. Taking a deep breath, she pushed open the door and quickly took the stairs up to her bedroom, not giving Ayame the chance to talk with her. She wasn't sure how she felt about the young girl. How was she supposed to deal with someone who had been leeching off her for so long? Thoughts moved to the time where the young girl had pouted on the ground. Had all of that been fake? Only time would tell. If she found out the girl had been using her... she'd have to either sever their ties... or sever the girl's lifeline. 

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600 EXP