[PP-F24] Drowning

[Alkor 0]

"Not at all," he said after she finished. "It honestly sounds like you were holding in a lot more than you could handle. Its like a ship that's gotten too heavy. You gotta unload ballast, or you'll sink." He knew that intimately now, after trying to bear an immense load all by himself. Being able to help someone else going through something like that made that struggle feel worthwhile, suddenly. 

"There's a lot to unpack in what you said, but the first thing you have to look at is the nature of a relationship. There's two people, and that means there's two perspectives. Just like you feel that you've failed; if he seems like a husk, that's his own cross to bear. Nothing you can do can help someone who doesn't want to be helped."

He fumbled around, then remembered that his pipe had broken during the conversation with Koga. He'd have to buy a new one later. In lieu of a smoke to make himself feel a bit more at ease, he pulled one knee toward his chest and rested his arm across "Regardless of what is or is not your fault, you only have control your own actions. If your partner made a decision to react poorly to something, or made selfish decisions, or whatever the case may be- that's not within the realm of your responsibility. The best you can do is be willing to help if they come back to you."

Alkor made a gesture toward the sky. "If it leaves, then you're free. If it comes back, it was meant to be." His fingers curled into a fist and he pulled it back toward his chest before he smiled over at her. "The word partner is key, there. If you're not working together, are you really a single unit? Just give it time, and you'll eventually find the right answer."

He blinked. "Hah," Alkor took a deep breath. "Looks like I inadvertently gave myself advice."

[Noctua 0]

As she listened, she thought about Koga. She wondered what it was that he could tell her about the time that she had been gone. She knew that she had messed up by leaving, but, there had to have been something that made him think that she was dead? Honestly, she was on his friends list, had something glitched to show that she was dead? She didn't know, and there was a part of her that didn't want to know, while the other part of her did want to know. Life was just confusing all around right now.

"So, I should theoretically let him have his alone time and let him think? It might even do me some good as well." She knew that she was right on that, she should give herself some time to figure out what it was that she truly wanted. She knew that she didn't want him out of her life, that much could be easily seen as she sat there crying while admitting what it was that was bothering her. But there was the worry that she'd lose him more by doing that. Decisions, why did they have to be so difficult.

She, finally, looked at Alkor though, and managed a small laugh, "It's funny how things work out like that. Since you listened to my woes, my offer still stands if you would like to talk as well, it wouldn't be fair after all." Her words ended with a warmer smile than she had had before, which was probably a good sign. She didn't know if he wanted to leave or want her to leave, and that probably should have been the first thing that she had on her mind, but hey, he listened to her talk about her problems. She could do the same in return, she didn't mind after all.

@Alkor

[Alkor 0]

"I guess since we talked about all that, it wouldn't hurt," he said with a smile. It genuinely looked like Noctua had cheered up, if only a little. He didn't have to cut deep into the root of his problems- there were things that didn't need to be said. Alkor learned talking to Koga that sometimes, it was better not to hold things in. 

"When I logged into this game, I did it to run away from a lot of responsibilities. I thought it would be short breaks, and then, it ended up being more than that. I inadvertently inconvenienced my family in no small way, but worse than that, I ended up abandoning someone who was really counting on me." 

When he said it now, it came out a little easier. It still hurt, but it felt more manageable somehow. That would never have happened if he'd stayed in the dark, afraid. "I kept messing up," he said. "Doing the wrong thing, trying to be something I'm not. Pushing away people who were trying to help me. It was like I was a little kid, lashing out at everything that I thought was trying to hurt me."

He smiled. 

"But I think my biggest problem is the guilt. I know there's only so much I can do and some of it is beyond my ability to control. Like, anything that happens outside, I just won't be able to do anything about until we get out. I just haven't quite learned how to cope yet."

[Noctua 0]

She laid her head on her arms as she listened to him. Her gaze was solely focused on the man as he talked. She didn't know exactly how she could help him, but, he did seem to feel a little better after talking over everything. She thought for a moment though, before lifting her head.

"If it helps, I learned to cope by throwing myself into my artisan work, or cooking for myself and my friends." At least, when she had them. "For me, the mindless concentration on something other than what I have done wrong or what has been bothering me made it easier. That, or I talk to this pretty girl right here." With that, she gently stroked the white owl's feathers.

"Athena here is the one thing that I know won't tell my secrets. Judge me, well, she has her ways of doing that, but she also helps me remember who I used to be if I fall too far into, well anything. Lately, it's been sleepless nights and turning into a royal pain." She stopped talking for a moment and smiled just a little. "Then there are moments like this, where just a small, albeit vague, conversation can help as well."

She continued to stroke the white feathers of the owl as Athena moved to her spot in Noctua's lap, forcing the woman to move her legs so that they were crossed over the other. "When the game is over, and we are able to get out, I say, do everything that you can to make sure that those whom you pushed away or ran from the responsibilities of, just try to make things right? I know that I've got to do that myself, and it does scare me a little, but, if it means having that support outside this game, it's well worth it."

@Alkor

[Alkor 0]

He genuinely appreciated her words, and the thought that went into weaving them together. She listened to him and took his words seriously. It meant that even if only a little, she cared about what he was saying. It was a massive gesture from someone he barely knew, and all the reason and motivation he needed. Where his resolve wavered, it grew stronger because of people like this woman. The people who needed him.

She offered many options, and he listened. Even if none of the things she said were plausible for him, the method might evoke something in his head that would work. Her last few words stung, despite all of that positivity. He hid it well enough, with a stone faced smile just a bit sadder than average. Do everything you can when you get out.

Alkor sucked in a silent breath and glanced away, back toward the water. For his mother, his sister, and his father, there was a good chance he might be able to make amends. There were many boards to mend if he wanted to fix those bridges, but they would still be there if he chose to pursue it. At the same time, time was not on his side.

Unlike the rest of his family, there was a strong chance that his grandmother didn't have that kind of time. He wouldn't have the chance to say goodbye, let alone apologize. He clicked his tongue off the roof of his mouth and glanced back to Noctua. 

"Yeah," he said in a slightly softer voice, then as he continued, his tone slowly returned to normal. "Yeah, you're right. I can only do what I can do. Right now, some of those things are beyond my control. So I'll just do what I can, while I can, and when I can do more, I will."

[Noctua 0]

She didn't know what his struggles were, but at least the things that she told him seemed to help him a bit. Or at least, that was what she wanted to tell herself. She saw the smile, and she had noticed that it seemed to be a bit sadder than it had been moments before. That might have been because of her words, or perhaps it's because she said something that resonated with him. She wasn't about to ask and chance making the mood even more depressing.

Her mind was already depressing enough right now, she didn't need to make the outside more depressing as well. She did smile a little though with a nod, "It never hurts to try and plan out how you want to do things when this is all over. For instance, I plan to leave Japan and go to either the States again, or just go to Korea. Study mythology in one of those two places y'know." Yes, that was her plan, and yes, it did involve the promise that she had told Koga so long ago.

Was he going to keep it? She didn't know, but she wasn't going to dwell on that. She needed to think for herself as an individual now, right? Not only that, but she needed to make plans based on what she wanted and not what they both had wanted. Yes, it might take her a little to try and get out of the 'we' mindset still, but it was worth a try to make sure that she was happy. Or at least as happy as she could make herself.

Funny how she was starting to feel like she could think of herself as a singular person, but she did wonder how long that was going to last. How long before she felt like she needed him back in her life. Who was she trying to kid, she wanted him back now, but there was no way that she was going to go crawling at this point. Not with his final words to her earlier today. No, if anything, he could crawl back to her. Yeah, that was a good plan, let's see if it actually works.

@Alkor

[Alkor 0]

He wasn't sure what he was going to go back to. The job he had might hire him back under the given circumstances, but he was certain that he'd been let go due to absence by now. There was no other realistic stance for a company to take, even if they were sympathetic to his plight. He wasn't in school anymore, and he had no real prospects for the future. When he tried to think about it, everything seemed dark.

He'd cross that bridge when he came to it. Years later, when the game ended, who would he be? He had already changed so much. Would he be better for it? Would he have adjusted enough to seek out a real career, and a better life?

"I'm sure that I'll find something," he said with a bit more of a handle on his stress. "Things will definitely have changed. I'll have to see what the world is like on the outside."

And what I'm like, he thought to himself.

"It's good that you have a pretty solid idea of what direction you want to take. I'd say that puts you ahead of a lot of the people struggling inside SAO."

[Noctua 0]

Who was she kidding really, was any college actually going to take her when she states that she was stuck in this game for however long it took to be able to get out? She didn't know, but she was still going to try. It never hurt to try, right? "I want to say that this plan is going to work, but you do have a point, things will have changed by the time we get out. But, holding onto that plan keeps me sane enough I think."

She lightly stroked the sleeping owl's feathers as she thought for a moment. "Have you ever wondered how much this game might affect us? I mean, more along the lines of, do you think those who have changed inside the game, if they'll be changed on the outside too?" That question might have been a bit too deep, but she was curious, and she wanted to keep her mind off other things. So, ask the questions that peak her curiosity, and she might be able to stay away from things that will make her want to cry, again.

"Sorry, you don't have to answer that one. It's more just my curiosity coming out to keep other things buried." She gave him an apologetic smile, hoping that he understood that she really didn't expect an answer on that question. That wasn't going to be exactly an easy question to answer after all.

[Alkor 0]

"I think it's important to have a reason," he told her. "Without something to keep you going, it's easy to get lost or lose track of what's important."

It took him a long time to put together what that was for him. At least, it took him a long time to piece together why it was important, and the fact that it was his motivation. "I'm not sure if anything we learn in here that's like, physical or whatever is going to change us outside, if that's what you mean," he said, "but the things we learn and the experiences we have, those things will definitely shape us." He wasn't sure how much he wanted to speak on that particular matter, because it was on his mind very frequently in the recent weeks. Who was he now? Was he himself, or someone else? Someone new? It was a strange question because now when he asked it, he wasn't sure what the answer was.

Before, he didn't even have to think about it.

Maybe she was worried about it, too. Maybe she didn't think that she was going to be the same person she came into this world as when she took her first steps outside of it. "If it helps," he said, "at the very least, you'll still be you. Just... not the same you that you were before? I don't know how to phrase that."

[Noctua 0]

She thought on what he said, she'd still be herself, but changed still. But was it going to be a good change or a bad change? That was the biggest question, and sadly, it did transfer to the thought of Koga as well. She pushed that all to the side, as she looked to the water once more. It really was calm and serene out here, she just might have to come back again another time.

She looked back at Alkor after a few minutes. "Perhaps a conversation a little less sad would be good for the both of us right now." She managed a small chuckle before thinking for a moment longer. "The only bad part, is that I suck at creating conversations." She sadly had a very valid point on that, she only ever felt comfortable creating conversation topics with Koga, because they had been making plans for when SAO was finally defeated.

But around strangers, she had usually left it up to the other person, or Koga would strike up some kind of conversation. She really was a horrible socialite, and she probably needed to change that before the game was defeated. Or else she might not make it far in the world that she wanted to create for herself when they were to get out.

[Alkor 0]

"See, you say that," Alkor chuckled as he stood himself up and stuck his thumbs into his pockets. With a half smile, his eyes found the moon and he rested his foot against the rock he'd been leaning on. "But I'm pretty sure what we've been doing all this time counts as a conversation." He glanced down at her for a moment and gave her a quick wink. "So really, when it comes right down to it, you're probably overthinking it and being unnecessarily hard on yourself. I mean, what is a conversation but a series of questions and answers, right?"

He looked up and found himself laughing at the irony. It was easy to say and like pulling teeth to actually put into practice. "...or so they tell me."

Alkor thumbed toward the moon. "You know anything about the Japanese Creation myth?" he asked, changing the subject abruptly. It would serve neither of them to split hairs over the nature of conversation, especially when he had to agree that it was probably not his strong suit either. "Maybe specific to the moon?"

[Noctua 0]

She actually laughed lightly at his statement, a sound that hadn't been heard in her own ears in a while, nor the white owl who looked at them. "You've got me there. Our conversation has been nice at least, much better than the one I held earlier today." Which was something that she never, in a thousand years, thought that she would ever say about a conversation with Koga. That conversation was still rolling around in her mind, making her wish that she could just forget it, but that wasn't how an eidetic memory worked. It was there to forever torture and agonize Noctua. She looked at the moon though, she knew the Greek creation myth, but not the Japanese one.

"I can't say that I do. I know the Greek creation myth, but never really had the time to go through and learn about all the other creation myths yet." She had planned on doing that during breaks from playing the game. But, well, everyone can see how well that was going. She was, instead, stuck in a death game, and she didn't know what she wanted to do anymore. She couldn't take a step into her shop, because she didn't know if she wanted to see Koga. Likewise, she couldn't really frequent any place where he might be as well. Yes, she was in the denial and avoidance stage of everything that has happened in the past twenty-four hours.

[Alkor 0]

He took the opportunity to switch gears entirely away from the awkward, uncompanionable silence that threatened to fall between them. Noctua was making every attempt to keep the conversation going, but if it came down to it, they didn't have much else to talk about. Not much, at least, other than a common interest in mythology, a fact which Alkor exploited now. When she said that she knew the Greek myth, he nodded along. Most people went straight to that, and it was the most prominent ancient mythology taught in schools. Far older and less well known was Babylon, and then, the Japanese had a unique and niche mythology that was relative only to their own islands. It quickly fell to the wayside when traditional Shintoism and the Confucian elements of reverence toward one's ancestors became prevalent in the Far East beyond China.

"In the beginning, there were two gods. Izanami and Izanagi. The world was all water and darkness. Izanagi dipped his spear into the vast ocean and when he pulled it out, the drops that fell back became the Islands of Japan," he explained as he climbed up and took a seat atop the rock. It was an ancient tale, and while incredibly important to the History of his ancestral nation, one not often passed around. "In a tragic accident, Izanagi was killed; so her loving brother and husband went into the underworld to visit her. Because she had partaken of the food there, she was no longer allowed to leave. When Izanagi left her behind, he went out to purify himself, and bathed. The moon god, Tsukuyomi, was washed from his left eye."

It sounded so silly when he said it aloud, but in ancient times, this was probably some important allegory. "Tsukuyomi had a sister, Amaterasu, who was the goddess of the sun. However, their relationship was strained when Tsukuyomi became disgusted with the goddess of food for the means by which she performed her duties and killed her. Because of that, Amaterasu refused to ever look upon her brother again- and that is why the night and day are separated."

[Noctua 0]

She looked at him, and intently listened, finding the story of the creation myth interesting. It wasn't like the Greek, and it's counterpart, Roman, mythologies at all. But it had its own little unique flare, and she found it fascinating. Perhaps, if things didn't work out, she might just stay in Japan a little longer to learn more about their myths. Though, it was also sad on why things had been created how they were, and why the myth said that day and night are separated. But, don't all great mythologies have some kind of drama in them to make them more... is appealing the right word?

"That's really beautiful, but tragic at the same time." She looked to the skies, and thought for a moment, "Learning the different myths and creations makes you wonder how some were thought of, while at the same time, making you question what it is that is being taught now." She mused her thoughts aloud, before looking at Alkor with a small smile. "Sorry, idle thoughts being mused aloud." She thought back to what she knew about the Greek myths, and she remembered how the Romans basically had the same thing, only different names.

"How the Japanese myth differs from the Greek myth really is something though. The Greeks have two who represent the moon, a Titan, Selene, and a Goddess, Artemis. While the Titan Helios and the God Apollo are the sun. It's said that when Zeus imprisoned the Titans, his children Artemis and Apollo took over for Selene and Helios. It really makes you wonder, doesn't it?" Family feuds have been going on for centuries, but some were just not mentioned. But some, were mentioned in the more gory and horrible ways, but those are the ones that attract the attention of others.

[Alkor 0]

"They say art mirrors life," Alkor mused as he laid back and stared up at the stars, arms folded behind his head. "Art was really the only form of expression that ancient cultures had. Things we know from back then are largely gleaned from pictures on cave walls, or oral history passed down between generations. The fact that we have anything remotely close is... well, it's the same kind of advancement that eventually went into creating Full Dive technology." The constellations in Aincrad weren't like the ones in the real world. This was a fantasy setting after all. Anything they saw was derivative of the Castle's own lore. Something that looked remotely like Cassiopeia had different meaning altogether here. "But my point there is actually, it's entirely possible it could have been some crazy farmer who killed his neighbor and pissed his wife off and had to sleep on the couch. Those stories get exaggerated, we hear them as myths hundreds, even thousands of years later. Is it possible that some god with a spear created Japan? Maybe. Maybe not."

His eyes slid shut. 

"Really, what you believe is entirely personal, and if you find merit in myths then you believe in a magic far older than time- something deeply spiritual." Alkor didn't want to jump straight into his beliefs, about how life was anecdotal or a simulation, or that everyone manifested energies and how those energies interacted often dictated the flow of events through time and space. There were plenty of ways to believe out there, and none of them were wrong. Life was an experience, and how someone experienced it was entirely their decision.

Alkor believed that was incredibly vital.

"Even in ancient times, people hated each other and had reasons to disagree," he summarized. "Society is just getting better at finding reasons, I think."

[Noctua 0]

He seemed to have thought about this topic a lot in the past, or perhaps it was one of the topics that was just close on his mind while being stuck in this hell called a game. But, he did have points, and she knew it. Though there was one thing that didn't seem to be answered in any myth, why was love so damned hard to deal with?

Heartbreak too. But, those weren't questions that she was going to ask aloud. Instead, she just looked at the sky, Athena wiggling a little in her lap. "I think this is why I always preferred to not get too close to others. There is never a way to make everyone happy." Wasn't that the truth. She knew that she had hatred being thrown at her, and she wondered what she was going to be able to do about that. But, she didn't want to really think on that just yet.

She looked at Alkor after a few silent moments and smiled a little. "Thank you, Alkor. The distraction has been very appreciated, and the conversation has been nice." Unusual for her, but nice all the same. She was feeling a little better, and she really didn't want to think on how long that might not last anymore.

[Alkor 0]

"I've heard too many times that trying to make everyone happy will ultimately end in no one being happy," he shrugged. "Don't know how true it is. Seems like a logical conclusion, though. Even if you somehow made that kind of peace, someone will have compromised along the way and not gotten everything they wanted." His eyes had closed now and Alkor was only listening to the breeze gently pull the waves onto shore, and how the water withdrew back in a vicious cycle. The sound was immensely soothing.

"But for what it's worth, I think avoidance only delays the inevitable. You're probably better served ripping off that band-aid and finding the best compromise you can." When he looked back up toward the crescent moon, it reflected a pale color off his gold eyes so brilliant that they appeared to glow faintly. "Anyway, I'm glad I could help," he told her as he slid down the rock face and landed deftly on the balls of his feet. He took a moment to adjust his shirt and smiled toward the woman..

"You've been pleasant to converse with, Noctua. I hope that things get sorted out for you."

[Noctua 0]

"From personal experience, there is never a way to make everyone happy. Normally, I forgo my own happiness to make others happy. That... might be why I'm in the predicament that I am in now." She didn't want to think that that was true, but as she looked back on it, it more than likely was, which was the horrible part of everything. She was just watching the waves, the calmness seeming to bring her back to not feeling like the failure that she ultimately was in another persons mind.

Rip off the band-aid? She might have already done that today, and that was what was causing the wave of emotions that went through her already. "I think, that was already done today. Things didn't end as they should have, or could have, they ended with me being ignored, and being told to go against who I am." Lightly, she stroked the owls feathers, Athena now fully awake once more and just staring at Noctua.

She blinked a few times before plastering on a smile, "Thank you Alkor, it's been pleasant talking to you as well. I do hope that you can sort through your troubles as well." She moved Athena from her lap so that she could stand up. "If you ever need someone to talk to again, feel free to message me. I can't guarantee a response back, but leave a place and time, and I'll be there."

There was no point in trying to explain to another person today that she didn't know how to fully use the message system. It would just make her look more foolish.

[Alkor 0]

He faced her, and Alkor gave a respectful bow. The words she spoke were somber but careful. She understood the gravity of her actions even if she did not want to face their consequences. But who ever did? The sour taste of repercussions was never beloved by humans, and society constantly sought a means to mitigate the negative aspects of any decision. That was why technology advanced.

No one could be blamed for pulling back from fear or from pain. It was an ingrained, evolutionary response. "You can only be who you are," was his simple response. It didn't seem weighty compared to the heavy words she spoke, but wisdom was often cut and dry. If someone asked you to do something you couldn't or be someone you weren't, they were asking the impossible.

"I'll keep it in mind," he said with a smile as he waved a quiet goodbye to Noctua. How would he explain his chronic inability to keep in touch to someone he didn't know? "Maybe I'll see you again sometime. Enjoy the rest of your evening," Alkor added before he headed back toward the settlement.

[Noctua 0]

She watched him bow, and honestly had no idea how to reciprocate that. She instead just politely smiled, hoping that would suffice. She took his words to hear though, she could only be who she is. There was no changing that, or was there? She might just look into a way to make the pain lessen at least. But that was probably a good way off still. At least, she was feeling a little better about things, even if more just the pure fact that she needed to think about how it all went.

She waved back to him though, her smile still on her face, "Please do, I wouldn't mind the company again. You enjoy the rest of your evening as well Alkor." She let him leave before she looked over the ocean for a few more minutes. She should go back to the tenth floor and attempt sleep, that would be the wisest of ideas. But, when she went to the teleporter, it was the seventeenth floor that she went to instead.

Thread Summary:

Spoiler

Alkor: 3 SP (2 Thread +1 Quarantine) & 200 Col
Noctua: 3 SP (2 Thread + 1 Quarantine) & 200 Col