[PP-F1] Beginner's Blade (LightfiyrxPepper)

[Oske 0]

Spires of rock dotted the grassy plains, and the sound of water could be heard more clearly as one drew further away from the starting city. Pools of water glittered under the sun, held in structures that blossomed out over a vast canyon, suspended in a manner normally impossible by known physics. Such was the norm in a game.

A young looking woman, possibly a teenager, stood with a dress wrapped around her thin body. She stood in a straight stance, her ginger hair flowing in the wind like water. She held a silvery short sword in her right hand, gripping it lightly as a flower. It wasn't like the needed to keep her grip--she was programmed to never drop her sword.

"Hello there, perhaps you would like to duel with me?" A question mark hung above the NPC's head, along with a duel request that appeared in front of her. She smiled and said nothing beyond that, it was all she was programmed to say until her duel request was accepted.

[lightfiyr 0]

Walking through floor one for some reason aria thought why I am I here I should be in floor 3 she climbed up one of the rock spires so she could see around a bit better seeing a NPC that was never there before thats new she thought as she slide down the spire

When she hit the ground a duel request popped up in front for her and the NPC saying she wanted a duel Sure aria replied taping Accept on the request

[Oske 0]

"Greetings, player Lightfiyr." The NPC dipped her head, drawing her sword and holding it at the ready. "My name is Pepper. I will be dueling you today."

She only said what she was programmed to say--it was all she knew.

"You may have the first move." With that, she raised her sword to hold it in front of her face, ready to block a hit. The sword glinted in the sunlight, sending a flare of brightness at Aria's face.

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OOC:

The Good: Putting Lightfiyr's thoughts in there is a great idea. It shows her emotion without specifically saying, "Aria was surprised."

Suggestion 1: Once you finish a thought, a good idea would be to add a period. It makes the writing easier to read and understand.

Suggestion 2: When writing auditory responses, try to add punctuation to show that your character is speaking and not thinking. The color is a good indicator, but not everyone can see the color. So say "Sure" instead of Sure.

[lightfiyr 0]

"all right if you say so " aria said as see drew her sliver blade. She dashed froward quickly jumping too the side then slashing at the NPC's right arm jumping backwards and getting her blade in the right position to trade or parry blows with her "your hit" aria said with a cocky tone

[Oske 0]

Pepper paused, processing what had just happened. She then slashed downward, slicing through her opponents chest. It took off at least 2 HP. She gave a similarly cocky smile. "Your move."

1/10

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OOC:

The Good: The description of the sword Aria wields was nice.

Suggestion 1: You might want to use the "post and test" method when battling. It's when you post what you plan to do, see what you rolled, and edit the response based on your battle roll. You should not have hit Pepper at all if you rolled a two while also getting ready to parry.

Suggestion 2: Again, punctuation is your friend.

[lightfiyr 0]

Stumbling back after she took the hit, looking down at the red cut across her chest "Nice hit " aria said brushing off the shock. Putting her sword down near her knee and started running towards pepper getting ready for a upwards strike into her hands hoping to knocking her sword out of her hand.

Aria drove her blade up into peppers hands knocking her swords out of her hands, landing blade down a few feet away Aria put her sword up at her neck.

[Oske 0]

Pepper froze, processing again. As she did so, a "CONGRATULATIONS" message box popped above the NPC and the player's heads. "WINNER: LIGHTFIYR"

"Congratulations!" Pepper said, changing her pre-programmed audio. "You have won the battle."

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OOC:

The Good: Again, your description really puts a picture in my mind. This is a good skill to have.

Suggestion 1: Remember to capitalize names, because some might believe that you mean "pepper" rather than Pepper the NPC

Suggestion 2: You may want to describe your sword movement to prove that you are using a sword skill. Your sword won't do that much damage if you don't use a sword skill.

[lightfiyr 0]

"Well...nice fight aria said not expecting a response considering she's an NPC programmed to say a set amount of things. Aria sword glinting in the sun as she spun it around before putting in the sheath and started climbing out of the canyon

[Oske 0]

OOC: Okay, that was quick. However, I've got lots of information based on this roleplay and other roleplays with you.

The Good: Your descriptions are beautiful, and you read others' descriptions properly to understand the architecture of the world around your character, Aria.

1. I suggest you spruce up on your grammar. I can easily understand you, but that's because all my friends are not so great with grammar. It would be good if you perhaps write your replies in a word document before posting them, so you get auto-correct. Capitalization and punctuation are VERY important.

2. Keep an eye on the dice. That's what they're for--to help the player understand if they succeeded or failed. You need at least a roll of a 5 on the battle die to unlock a sword skill, which is the most important aspect of SAO.

3. Put a little more emotion in your writing. Don't just let the reader see that Aria is being cocky, make them FEEL that she's being cocky. Don't just give a cocky smile, give a description of her emotion. Make the reader want to continue reading--an RPG is very similar to a novel.

(This roleplay is complete. Please refer to the quest log and give Nevina a link to this thread when you claim your prize to prove that it is complete.)