OC Reviews

[Guest]

What would it be like if Simon Cowl reviewed your OC? Do you want a review you can take pride in? Do you think your character is the stuff RPG needs more of? Say no more! I've seen plenty of OCs during my time here, and I've become pretty good at sorting the good from the bad. Just reply here, and I'll review!

[Oske 0]

I would love a review :)

[Guest]

Alrighty, Oske! I know your character fairly well, since I have read the occasional RPs you have from time to time, so all that really needs to be looked at is Oske as a whole.

 

First off, I just want to give credit to the design. It's unique, it's original, and it totally makes sense for an SAO setting. It looks appealing, and it definately has the feel that it's something that would be effective in the outside world too. But, it doesn't really seem like something Oske would wear. She is, afterall, the Butterfly Blacksmith. And majority of the costume is cloth. Now, most blacksmiths would be caught dead with a cape when forging. One ember gets on that and you're toast. But, it's still a good design as a whole.

 

"Oske has always had a rough life. She never got along well with her family, along with other people. She lived life for a long time by making only one friend, who ended up leaving her due to a mistake on her part. She started gaming when she was about 14, hoping to meet new friends. However, in most games she joined, people made fun of her for being a "noob" or a "hopeless romantic". Once SAO came out, she immediately bought it in hopes of trying out a new game that could possibly earn her some friends. She wanted a world to escape to where she could fit in."

 

​Now... This part rubs me the wrong way. The, "Rough life" trope is severely over-used. Just because she didn't get along with her family doesn't really mean her life is that hard. She's antisocial, as I see it. And so she took a liking to video games. Yeah, that makes sense. But... It doesn't really make things rough for her. Though, this is definitely a step up from Kirito. Despite his zombie fans, his whole story just scream "Mary Sue". His parents died when he was young. Now THAT'S how you over-do something. Kirito's "Tragic" backstory added absolutely NOTHING to his love for computers. While, in Oske's case, this was done right. He incompatibility with those around her drove her to play video games. Nicely done. Though, usually that goes for a lot of gamers in real life, too. Video games are their best company.

 

Then there's Oske's friend. I really wish we could know more... What did Oske mess up on? Who was the friend? More like that. Instead he/she was just there and gone in the same sentence. That really doesn't give us much build up.

 

And next, Oske's personality.

 

She's shy, timid, and reliant. This trope is a bit popular for some, but, I don't actually see it much in SAO. It's actually really darn interesting to me. Seeing someone like this in an actual death game. How they act, who they meet, and how they change and adapt to the game around them. Characters like these definitely get a lot of development. And with Oske's RPs, relationships, and more, this has been done wonderfully. I really am liking Oske growing and changing as a character.

 

My last comment, is her weapon. A curved sword.

 

*Sigh* I know It's SWORD Art Online, and it's clearly the most popular weapon...

 

...But Oske, the timid, shy, mousy girl, using a war hammer would be awesome! She is a blacksmith, right? Though, that's just my thought.

 

And with that, I hope you enjoyed the review. Good OC overall, just has a few unnecessary details here and there, and can stray from her Blacksmith title occasionally.

[Kiru 0]

I would love what Keith-Sensei has to say about Kiru~ (Haha, this'll be good)

[Kosan 0]

Do one about Kosan as well !

[Baldur 0]

You know this means we get to go an critique yours now! :P

[Guest]

Alright. Kiru, you're up first.

 

 

For design, I think it definitely goes with the character. You can tell she's definitely formal, yet still has an adventurer flare to it. She has the whole, "Oh, you think I dress weird? Well... Up your's, buddy!" Fashion going on, and it goes real well with her character. Needless to say, I think the design of Kiru is totally something that would be in SAO, and it very much fulfills the activities Kiru would normally do.

 

"Her home life was slightly better, or maybe not. Her parents were workaholics and Aoi was always trying to get their attention as a kid. Though her mother worked at home and her dad just a few miles away they always were there for Aoi; but Aoi was still a child. She often lit things on fire in the large house they owned, broke things, and just made a lot of noise. Aoi was bothersome to them because she didn't understand. They had to work in order to keep the wealth they had. To show her that they were there for her they bought her anything and everything she asked for. Also, they always stopped whatever they were doing to speak with Aoi. Thursdays were always the nights were they went out to dinner as a family. As Aoi grew older she began to realize and comprehend the importance of her parents jobs. Her dad worked for one of the largest technology system developers and her mother was a simple business woman in the higher ranks. They were upper class and respected. Aoi ceased with her pranks and games and focused on school so she too could be successful. "

 

Now, this is one of my favorite character backstories, and I did something similar with Shade. She didn't have a tragic backstory, and is mentally stable somehow. Instead, this is very well-grounded and realistic. She's a spoiled rich kid, who wants more than just objects to entertain her. So naturally... She just destroys everything! This ties in so well with her character, how she doesn't care about others or their belongings. She just grew up that way. And this also gives us that hint that she was definitely pampered growing up. And, since she was a school nut who was richer than everyone else, it totally makes sense that she would look down on just about everyone else.

 

"Aoi never took life too seriously. Of course she had straight A's and did well in school but other than that she wasn't really part of her peers' life too much. She skated in her free time and played various sports according to the season. School was easy, friends were boring. The fact that she was pretty and attracted many "friends" to her IRL, which meant she was surrounded by followers. Aoi knew in her heart that they didn't really like her but hey, who was going to stop them if they wanted to drool all over her? It didn't bother her much that they were near her just for the title though. Idiots will be idiots."

 

This next part... I just LOVE. The fact that people really only like her because she's rich, smart, and pretty, it's just gorgeously implemented. And the real part is that she only keeps them around because she feels like it. The fact she can, and probably would, cut them off at anytime just gives us this sense that Kiru assumes control of any situation. It's like you're playing chess, and then your opponent flips the board. But when you look back, all the pieces have been reset and you're in check! It makes any Players wonder if Kiru is truly a friend, or just someone she wants to use again.

 

"One day she stumbled upon a gift left in her locker with a little note attached to it, it was a copy of a game called Sword Art Online. Her school had a raffle of some sort to give away this game but she didn't enter it, maybe someone gave the prize to her anyways? This was the game to have if you were into that kind of stuff so she accepted it and bought the software stuff for it. She was a very spoiled child so upon asking her father to buy it for her he didn't reject, he bought her the best gear money could buy. Laying on her bed Aoi looked through the screen with the blinking lights signaling she was ready to start. She thought of it as joke and just laughed it off, putting the NervGear with a grin. Link. Start!"

 

And here's where Keith's part comes in. Since he left it in the locker, his dad being a game dev and all, Kiru naturally got the idea to get a Nervgear. And by get, I mean force her parents to buy it for her. The way she acts when it's revealed Keith left it in there is... Odd, though. One second Kiru is ready to rip his head from his shoulders because he put her in here, the next she says she's glad that she entered the game. I really wish Kiru would make up her mind to be happy or mad about being in SAO.

 

And then there's personality.

 

Oh.

Boy.

 

Everything about Kiru is so... Gosh darn perfect. It goes with her history, and it's always played out so perfectly. The fact there are more flaws than virtues is also a nice touch. This shows that despite Kiru seeming so perfect in so many regards, she DOES have very clear, and very plentiful limitations. The most common one being that she drives everyone away from her because she's so darn vicious. Except, of course, a select few. And then there's Kiru's relationship with Keith. Most couples on SAO just meet, talk for one day in game time, and then head right to Unrestricted. Keith and Kiru, however, are precious. Look. They made me use precious. Sure, they're complete opposites, with no common ground. They fight, they bicker, they argue, but at the end of the day, you see that's exactly why Kiru likes him. Because he's not just another boy drooling over her. And even when they did confess feelings for each other, Kiru still has no problems giving him a hard time. It's especially heart-warming to see how protective she actually gets over him, and vice versa. While one may argue that she's like Asuna, becoming nicer after getting a boyfriend, that's not true. Kiru has a whole, "Touch him, and you'll lose fingers." Attitude when with him. And she hasn't changed in the slightest around anyone else. Even when confronting a Maverick, she has a witty retort or insult in store.

 

Great OC, and still one of my favorites.

[Ariel - The Crowned Lion 0]

Teach me senpai!!!!!!!!!(I want one as well)

[Natsu 0]

Whenever you find time I would love one too!

[Lessa 1]

Do me?

[Baldur 0]

Gigitty?

[Tyger 0]

Oh my~~~~ I guess I can go, although i'm pretty generic and boring and scared of what you'll say.

[Rolland 0]

You can try mine out Keith-senpai.

[Guest]

Holy, Crap!

 

Well, this thread blew up. I'm really a busy guy, and I understand you all want reviews, but I really need to set a limit. 

 

I will only get around to two characters each day.

 

That's my guarantee. So please, be patient, since things like this do take quite a while to do.

[Zelrius 0]

Zelrius OC for the win? Everyone Hype Zelrius OC

[Baldur 0]

+1 Hype for Zelrius

[Kosan 0]

+2 hype Kosan

[Asen 0]

If you feel up for it Keith you can go ahead and review my OC. Do be warned that his Story Thus Far is kind of tragic and dark.

 

http://www.sao-rpg.com/topic/194-nightshade-azure-flames/

[Tristan Delaney 0]

Oh go on then, Tristan has had quite a tumultuous experience in SAO RPG.

[Guest]

Alrighty, Kosan, you're up!

 

"Katori was born in a small town , in a normal family ... From when he was little he enjoyed mathematics and astrology ... and video games . He started playing all types of MMORPGS and then he found out of SAO , the VRMMORPG. He asked his parents to buy one and they did ... Then he joined this game and .... he could never log off ... "

Well... I really... Should... Get reviewing... Jokes aside, this bio is... Lacking. He lived a life. Wanted a game. Got it. 10/10. I really do want to know more about the character, and with a lacking history, I have no where to actually start. THIS is what really gives people an idea of how your character is the way they are. It's like how Oske and Kiru did it. Their histories were sewn in beautifully with how their OCs act. 

 

⥠Loyal

Kosan is a guy of trust . He would give his life for friends that matter to him . He wants to keep as many people alive as he can in his life , and he would even pay with his life for that thing.
⥠Tactical
He usually likes to plan out what he does in battle, then rather jump straight into it. Not always jumping into battle is something he usually does when he attempts to help out others. Not siding with anyone he seems to sometimes not take sides, so later he wouldn't fail due to an argument.

⥠Forgiveness
he seems to like to forgive people then rather just make the meanness inside let out and explode. Usually he can walk across someone that's dumb and be tripped. Though he would always get back up and say "It's quite alright" rather then being angry and screaming at the person who had done such a thing.

» Flaws: 
☢Ego:

Not only does being a nice guy contributes into this but being able to be good at everything makes his ego grows . Every time he does excellent , being amazing at everything he does . Kosan is confident he can do anything he wants if he puts a little bit of effort into it .. but the laziness stops him from doing it ..

☢ Lazy
Even if he loves math and astrology he is really lazy , and in SAO this is happening again .. He want's to sit still and watch the sun burn , watch the sky and look at girls .

☢ Nervous
He is Easily agitated every time someone new came's by ... He is scared of new people because of a small incident that happened one time when he was a young little boy"

 

This section is... ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS!!!

 

Though, again, I feel like many of these aren't really put out during an RP. Plus, it just seems... Dated. I feel as though this whole thing was done just to convince the GMs to give the approval to RP. It seems rushed, and really thrown together. Really get inside the head of your character. Really just get into it. Make your character not just something you like, but something you can really get into and get everyone else into. If your OC is rushed and choppy, then there you go. 

 

Final verdict:

 

Diamond in the rough.

 

It rushed and choppy, and in character, Kosan seems really boring and sadistic. It just bums me out when I read. Though, with a little re-working, I have no doubt Kosan can become a excellent character. Don't be scared to look for inspiration, or ask others for some help. c: I know English isn't your first hand language, so really getting some feeling into the writing may be tough. But, I see only improvement.